“Do you really mean that?” Ke Qin pressed.
“Mm.” Ke Bu nodded.
Lies were easier to say than the truth.
When Ke Bu was young, Ke Qin developed feelings for the older girl next door whom Ke Bu adored most. Ke Qin and Ke Bu’s mother, Wu Qian, had married after being introduced through matchmaking, and throughout all their years of marriage, what they had shared was familial affection rather than romantic love. So when Ke Qin finally found love, that love inadvertently shattered his family. Once Wu Qian realized how Ke Qin felt, even though he and Ding Luo Yuan had never actually done anything, their family could never return to the way it had been. In some ways, an emotional affair was even more serious than a physical one. His heart no longer contained only this family; there was another woman in it too. Then the darkest days began. Endless arguments, crying, curses, and silence became the only things left in their home. The victims of war were often the most innocent. Ke Bu didn’t know how to face Sister Luo Yuan, who had always doted on him. He didn’t know how to face his father, whose heart had changed. Even less did he know how to face his mother, who spent every day crying, shouting, and raging. The three people closest to him had all become distorted in his eyes, and Ke Bu himself had become distorted along with them.
So many years had passed since then. When Ke Bu was covered in wounds, he had met Zhi Li. Heaven had given him a disaster, then immediately followed it with a piece of candy. The devil living inside Zhi Li had devoured Ke Bu’s pain. In the end, Ke Bu had let go and given his blessing to this couple whose road to love had been so difficult. But he had overestimated himself. When he heard that they were going to get married, when he realized that his father was going to build the family Ke Bu had always longed for—not with his mother, but with a woman not that much older than Ke Bu himself—he discovered that he wasn’t nearly as carefree about it as he had imagined.
His father had accepted him and Zhi Li. In return, Ke Bu should accept his marriage to Ding Luo Yuan. Too many years had passed. His original family could never come back. If Ke Bu refused, was he supposed to make his father remain alone for the rest of his life? He could come up with as many reasonable arguments as he wanted. But the truth was that people were selfish.
Ke Bu was selfish too.
“There wasn’t any sign of this before. There must be a reason you suddenly decided to get married in such a hurry, right?”
“Before this, Luo Yuan and I both thought that simply being together was enough. We thought not getting married might make things easier for you. But Luo Yuan is pregnant, and I—”
“I understand,” Ke Bu interrupted.
“If you—”
“I said I understand! Stop talking. I agree. I agree to all of it. What right does a child have to interfere in his parents’ marriage? You should go back and take care of her. I’ll attend your wedding.”
Ke Qin remained where he was, looking at Ke Bu for a long time before finally turning and leaving. Ke Bu watched his retreating figure. His father was about to have a family of his own, and in that family, Ke Bu alone would look like an outsider. Right. And perhaps it wouldn’t only be his father. One day, his mother might find a new family too.
Then where was Ke Bu—the extra thing left over from a broken family—supposed to go?
“Does it hurt?”
Zhi Li’s voice reached Ke Bu on the cold wind.
Ke Bu shook his head. “You heard everything?”
“No.” Zhi Li rested both elbows on the railing.
“Then why did you ask me that?”
“The expression you’re wearing right now isn’t one I want to see.”
“Who’s supposed to understand an answer that vague?” Ke Bu leaned over the railing. Ke Qin’s figure was almost disappearing at the far end of the campus. There was still time to chase after him, to stop him from getting married. People should be allowed to be this selfish. If I’m not happy, why should he and Luo Yuan get to be happy? Even if Ke Bu told Zhi Li such a dark thought, Zhi Li wouldn’t object. He wouldn’t look down on him either. Zhi Li never lectured him on how to be a good person, never taught him what he should do, what was right, or what was wrong.
He simply let Ke Bu be himself.
“If I run after Dad right now, stop him, and tell him what I really think, he won’t marry Ding Luo Yuan. He’s always felt guilty toward me. If I ask him not to, he’ll definitely listen.”
“Then go after him.”
“I can’t do it. Can you do it for me?”
“No.” Zhi Li refused without even thinking. “I told you very clearly before: don’t ask me to help you make a decision you’ll regret. If you’re going to regret it, then bear it yourself. I won’t be your excuse for shirking responsibility. You’re not a good person, but neither am I. I’m not going to do something in a way I dislike just because it can be called ‘doing what’s best for you.’” He really had made himself perfectly clear. There were some decisions Ke Bu could only make for himself. Zhi Li would not wade into this mess and make everything more complicated until, in the end, it might even threaten their relationship. On this point, Zhi Li would always be cold. Who said love was blind? His love was unmistakably clear-eyed.
“If I make this decision, am I going to live with guilt forever? Guilt toward Dad, toward Ding Luo Yuan, toward that unborn child?”
“Why are you asking me? You’re the only one who knows the answer. Aren’t you going after him?”
Ke Bu turned and started down the steps. He had taken only two steps before turning back. Zhi Li was watching him. There was nothing in his eyes—no emotion, no impurity, nothing at all.
“I’m going to become the extra one, Zhi Li. I’m the extra person. Do you understand what I mean?”
Zhi Li pointed to the space directly in front of himself. “I’ve got an empty spot right here. I happen to need an extra person to block the sun for me.”
Ke Bu had no idea how to respond to that. Zhi Li tilted his head toward him. “Come here.” Ke Bu walked over, and Zhi Li pulled him into his arms. “Perfect.”
“What do you mean, perfect? I’m blocking the sun for you, so now all the sunlight is hitting me.”
“Aren’t you afraid of the cold?”
You don’t understand any of this, so what right do you have to comfort me? You don’t understand any of it, so why… did you actually manage to comfort me?
If I’m not happy, why should Dad and Luo Yuan get to be happy? That was only something I said out of anger, wasn’t it? Am I really unhappy? Then who is this person holding me right now? Sometimes I even feel grateful for the loneliness and pain from back then. They’re what allowed me to stand in this empty spot.
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