The scenery streamed backward, and the crowds fell away behind him. His hair fluttered in the wind as Ke Bu abandoned everything and ran toward the place where Zhi Li was staying. He did not want to tell him over the phone, nor did he want to sit on a bus and endure the agonizing wait through stop after stop. His chest rose and fell with every stride, his emotions surging wildly. He could hardly wait to hurl himself at Zhi Li with enough force to make him stumble backward. He had so much to tell him. He wanted to announce proudly what he had done and receive Zhi Li’s praise. He wanted to kiss him—hard. He had never felt so light before. His entire body seemed to come alive beneath the sunlight. Sweat trickled down his forehead, and the hot wind rushed beneath his clothes, but he noticed none of it.
Ke Bu arrived outside the door, breathing heavily. He deliberately softened his movements, hoping to surprise Zhi Li. Only after his breathing gradually steadied did he straighten up. The door was slightly ajar, and he gently pushed it open. No one was inside. Alarmed, he immediately called Zhi Li’s phone. A ringtone echoed through the empty room, and Ke Bu found the phone wedged between the sofa cushions. He told himself that Zhi Li often forgot his phone. He rarely used it. He must have gone out to take care of something and would be back soon. Ke Bu sat on the sofa, his thin body nearly swallowed by its enormous cushions, and stared at the door while countless excuses and explanations tried to soothe the unease growing inside him.
Time passed with the hands of the clock on the wall. The sky gradually darkened, and the room blurred into shadow. Ke Bu did not turn on the lights. He sat alone in the darkness. He was thirsty and hungry, yet stubbornly refused to move. The Zhi Li he knew would have stayed here to wait for him. He would not have gone looking for anyone else, nor would he have wandered somewhere simply to pass the time. At that moment, Ke Bu desperately wished he did not understand him so well. Then perhaps he could have invented more reasons to fill the emptiness inside him.
Ten o’clock. Eleven. Midnight. One. Two. Ke Bu could no longer understand what state of mind had carried him through those hours, nor could he believe they had slipped away before his eyes so quickly. Every trace of Zhi Li remaining in the room seemed to be growing cold. The phone slipped from Ke Bu’s hand and struck the floor. He could no longer feel Zhi Li. From the moment he had stepped into the room, he had been unable to sense Zhi Li anywhere near him. Never before in his life had he experienced fear so intense that it made his scalp prickle.
Are you angry? Did you get tired of waiting? Did you decide I would never be able to choose? Are you punishing me for hurting you? Or are you simply exhausted? Which of those reasons made you leave? Ke Bu snatched up Zhi Li’s phone and hurled it against the wall. Then he began cursing at the top of his lungs. “Bastard! Bastard! Zhi Li, you’re a bastard! You already waited seven years—couldn’t you have waited one more day? Haven’t you always known that I’m stupid and stubborn? I honestly believed that no matter what happened, you would forgive me. Zhi Li~~ Where are you?~~ Don’t punish me like this. I should have listened to you sooner. I shouldn’t have envied your family. I shouldn’t have said you had no right to interfere with me. I shouldn’t have shut you out of my pain. But you shouldn’t have left me either. Zhi Li, you bastard. Bastard…” Ke Bu’s voice disappeared into the darkness. The pain left him unable to say another word. He buried his face in the sofa, his fingers sinking deep into the soft cushions. The silent room closed around his loneliness. His breathing was faint. What kind of feeling was this? Emptiness and fear crowded into him from every direction, crushing him until his body could no longer withstand the weight. It hurt. The heart-rending agony made every blood vessel inside him howl. Even then, he continued imagining that Zhi Li would appear in the doorway and mock him for grieving like this.
All the pain Ke Bu had caused Zhi Li over the past seven years had been returned to him at once. Only while enduring that torment as it tore into him again and again did Ke Bu finally begin to understand certain things. Some truths could never be felt while a person was happy. They only became clear when the pain cut all the way through the heart.
He wanted to fall asleep and tell himself that this was nothing more than a dream. Yet he did not dare fall asleep, afraid he might miss Zhi Li’s return. In the end, neither wish could come true…
Summer vacation ended, and eleven days had already passed since classes began. During those eleven days, Ke Bu’s hope wore away little by little until it finally shattered. He had believed Zhi Li would suddenly appear on the first day of the new semester and that their lives would return to the way they had been before. They would make bets together, eat the lunch boxes Zhou Xin He prepared, listen to Gong Zhu endlessly call him “Lord Zhi Li,” keep Ying Xiu Jie and Chu Hao Yu in line, and allow Su You Yan to fuss over them as though they were children. Everyone constantly sighed. Without Zhi Li’s domineering ways, his complete lack of common sense, his shameless favoritism, his sarcasm, and his cutting remarks, none of them could summon any enthusiasm.
When only Ke Bu and Su You Yan remained inside the school building, Ke Bu looked at her. “You Yan, where did Zhi Li go?”
“I don’t know.”
“Stop lying. Everyone else might not know, but you would. Would you really stay this calm and simply let him disappear?” Ke Bu’s voice rose without his realizing it.
Su You Yan merely watched Ke Bu as he gradually fell apart. “Because the only thing I know is that he’ll come back.”
“You Yan, you don’t understand. You don’t know what happened. I said horrible things to him. I did something terrible to him. I hurt him over and over again. I cared only about my own pain and selfishness and never stopped to look at his pain even once. You Yan, if Zhi Li isn’t in this world, then what use is this world to me?”
“Love can’t consist only of happiness and joy. This isn’t a fairy tale. You have to accept all the pain it brings as well.”
Ke Bu could see the worry in Su You Yan’s eyes, though she concealed it well. Only he understood what Zhi Li meant to her. Zhi Li had freed her. Zhi Li had brought her to his side. Yet now, this woman was the one trying to comfort him.
“I’m not lending you my shoulder,” Su You Yan said coldly.
“I never said I needed it.”
“Then eat properly. I don’t want Zhi Li coming back and blaming me because I let you starve to death.”
“If I starved to death, all I’d get from him would be a complaint?”
The bell rang for class. Su You Yan walked toward the door, then stopped without turning around. “He won’t abandon you.”
Su You Yan eased some of Ke Bu’s loneliness, but when the depths of night arrived, that loneliness returned with even greater force. It swallowed him before he could resist, leaving him to suffocate inside it. He slept in Zhi Li’s dormitory. He slept in Zhi Li’s bed. He looked through the sketchbooks Zhi Li had left behind, every page already filled with drawings. He wore Zhi Li’s shirt. He used Zhi Li’s toothbrush. He kept himself immersed in Zhi Li’s scent, refusing to leave it behind.
You once flicked my forehead until it hurt. You once said, “How could I possibly leave you alone when you’re making a face like that?”
It turned out that you had always been a liar.
What about my love, Zhi Li? Where are you planning to take it?
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