In the blink of an eye, this youth-defining military training was nearing its end. When the instructor blew the dismissal whistle, everyone was one step away from clutching their heads and crying with joy. After all, they had spent an entire week in this godforsaken place with no internet, only the occasional weak bar of phone signal, and daily torment from devilish instructors. It was practically purgatory. But suffering only became obvious by comparison. To Ke Bu, nearly a week spent inside this perverted group made military training itself seem like nothing.
The final dinner was as lavish as the first. Logically, food should only become scarcer the longer a camping trip went on. Ke Bu’s right eye twitched. He hurriedly counted the group members and finally relaxed when he confirmed that every one of them was still alive. Admittedly, Ke Bu’s thoughts were pretty vicious if he could imagine the meat in the pot as his own teammates. But his nervous breakdown was not entirely his fault. At first, becoming group leader had made him feel important and impressive. Gradually, though, he discovered that wearing the title of group leader was, to put it nicely, like wearing a bomb, and to put it crudely, like wearing a lump of shit. His group members happily caused trouble while he got cursed by the instructor as though he were less than human. Every day he worried that Ying Xiu Jie would go rob another group by force, that Chu Hao Yu would swindle innocent women, that Zhou Xin He’s full set of knives would vanish and reappear with blood on them, that Su You Yan would finish her book and decide to walk away from the group to buy another one, and he still had to keep an eye on whatever was developing between Gong Zhu and Zhi Li. All of it made Ke Bu miserable beyond words. So this was what people meant by it being lonely at the top.
“Smells great. Where did this meat come from?” Ke Bu asked Zhou Xin He.
Zhou Xin He showed a tiny dimple and looked a little shy. “I think it was a wild chicken from the mountain. It suddenly ran right up to me while I was cooking.”
“Looks like our group is pretty lucky. You had Xiu Jie help you kill it, right?” Bloody scenes like killing chickens frightened not only girls but plenty of boys too. Zhou Xin He shook her head, her face innocent and cute. “Why would I need Xiu Jie’s help? Killing a chicken is just grabbing its head, cutting its throat, then putting it in hot water and plucking all the feathers. I always do something that simple myself. The only annoying part was the blood splashing all over me, so I had to change clothes again.” Cold sweat ran down Ke Bu’s back. He had thought Zhou Xin He was the most normal one. Where had that shy Zhou Xin He gone? Did anything involving cooking make her forget her own personality?
Just as everyone was eating enthusiastically, members of another group came rushing over. “Something’s wrong! A farmer in the mountains had one of his chickens stolen. The instructor told everyone to help look. Have you seen it?”
Chu Hao Yu and Ying Xiu Jie each bit into a chicken leg and shook their heads. “Haven’t seen it.” The moment those people left, Ke Bu pointed at the two of them and exploded. “Haven’t seen it? Then what the hell are you biting into?!”
“Why make such a fuss?”
“Stealing chickens and touching dogs!! Is this an idiom duel now?”
Elio’s Notes: 偷鸡摸狗 literally means “stealing chickens and touching dogs.” It’s an idiom for petty theft or sneaky behavior, and the next line deliberately takes it literally.
“We only stole a chicken. We didn’t touch any dogs.”
“So you admit it! If the instructor finds out, I’m going to get yelled at half to death again. Zhi Li, didn’t I tell you to keep an eye on them?”
“What?”
“Don’t dodge responsibility.”
“What?”
Not long afterward, the same two people came running back. “It’s fine now. The old farmer found money left in the chicken coop, enough to buy ten chickens. He happily told the instructor and went home.” Once they left again, Ke Bu pointed at Zhi Li a second time. “When I told you to watch them, I meant stop them before they commit a crime, not help clean up after they’ve already committed one!”
Ying Xiu Jie and Chu Hao Yu gave Zhi Li a respectful military salute. “Thank you, Chief!” Collectively ignoring Ke Bu, they finished eating. Then Chu Hao Yu suggested, “It’s the last day. How about we go swimming in the stream?”
“The instructor said we’re not allowed in the water for safety. Do you think I’m going to jump in like an idiot, splash water at you people, and then go, ‘Ahahaha~~ Ahahaha, come catch me! Ahahaha~~ The water’s so cold, don’t splash me! Ahahaha~~ I’m fighting back!’ Stop dreaming.”
“Leader, compared with us, that description makes you sound more perverted.”
“I-I didn’t bring a swimsuit. It wouldn’t be right to get in,” Zhou Xin He said hesitantly. In the very next second, Chu Hao Yu stripped completely naked. “Who needs a swimsuit? Let’s all have a naked bath!” With that, he ran bare-assed through the sunset and leapt into the stream. Xin He, You Yan, I sincerely apologize for dragging you into this group. Ying Xiu Jie at least retained enough shame to keep his underwear on. “Divine Dragon Tail Sweep!” Even swimming had to come with named moves. Gong Zhu merely rolled up his trouser legs and stepped into the shallows. “Lord Zhi Li, are you coming? The water’s pretty cool.”
Ke Bu stood behind Zhi Li with a sinister look and shoved him hard into the water with both hands. Zhi Li rose from the stream, water dripping from the hair over his forehead, and lifted his head. “You bastard, what are you doing?” Ke Bu’s face went pale. When did Zhi Li slip into his dark transformation without me noticing at all?! Zhi Li grabbed Ke Bu before he could escape and flung him into the water like garbage. Irritated, he looked at Zhou Xin He fussing nervously over the clothes on shore, walked over, and mercilessly kicked the crouching girl into the stream. “Stop whining. Get in.” Zhou Xin He screamed magnificently as she fell into the water.
“You Yan, fan me.”
Su You Yan walked over from farther down the bank and was just about to fan him with a sheet of paper when Zhi Li reached out and shoved her into the stream. “You actually thought I meant it? Get in.” Su You Yan fell silently into the water without changing expression.
I-is this still a human being? He just treated two women roughly at the same time! Zhi Li slowly walked into the stream, staring at Ke Bu. Ke Bu swam for his life and reached toward Ying Xiu Jie and Chu Hao Yu for help. “Hurry and save your leader!”
“Don’t come over here, you bomb! Stay away! Lure Zhi Li somewhere else!”
“……”
Maybe they had played too hard, because everyone went to sleep early. Ke Bu hugged a set of clean clothes and prepared to bathe in the stream one last time before the trip ended. He took off his clothes, stepped into the water, found a comfortable spot, and leaned his head against a rock.
“I figured you’d be here too.” Ke Bu showed no surprise as he spoke to Zhi Li beside him. The night was unusually hot, and this was the coolest place around. Ke Bu looked up at the pale moon hanging in the night sky. “A bunch of people who are all bad at making friends got thrown together, and it doesn’t actually feel that terrible. Come to think of it, it’s been many years since the two of us spent time together like this.”
“You sound like a middle-aged man sighing about life.”
“I heard that in ancient times, if a man saw a woman’s bare arm, she either had to kill herself or marry him. If this were ancient times and I were a woman, after how much you’ve seen of me, how many times would you have to marry me?” Ke Bu joked.
“Are you proposing to me right now?”
There it was again. This person who did not understand jokes. At a time and place like this, he was supposed to tease back, but instead he simply followed the joke to its logical conclusion, which made things even more awkward. Ke Bu squeezed shampoo onto his hair and lowered his head, hiding the faintly bitter smile on his face. “Too bad this isn’t ancient times. Too bad I’m not a woman.” He felt the topic drifting in a strange direction. He grabbed a handful of foam from his hair and grinned like a pervert, flexing both hands toward Zhi Li. “Lord Zhi Li, let me wash your hair too.”
Zhi Li pushed Ke Bu’s head underwater. White foam rippled across the surface. “I think you should wash yourself first.”
On the school bus back to campus, Zhi Li was just about to sit down when Ke Bu darted into the window seat, wearing the triumphant expression of someone who had won something. Zhi Li simply sat down beside him as though nothing had happened. Why did Ke Bu feel defeated when he was clearly the one who had stolen the seat? “At least give me some kind of angry, miserable reaction to having your seat taken.”
“Damn it. My seat was taken.” The words had absolutely nothing to do with his expression or tone. He sounded like a student mechanically reading from a textbook.
“I suddenly feel incredibly pathetic,” Ke Bu said, completely crushed.
“Ke Bu, you must have been a landlord in your previous life. You’re ridiculously hard to please.”
“Zhi Li, you were definitely Satan in your previous life!!”