Lu Guang Ming got off the bus outside the ICAC and walked straight to the rubbish bin by the roadside. From his pocket, he took out the handkerchief that had accompanied him for so many days and threw it inside.
He remained lost in thought throughout the meeting, and his superior, Chief Xu, glanced at him several times. The colleague beside him finally could not resist nudging him lightly with an elbow. Lu Guang Ming returned to his senses, listlessly swept his colleague a glance, then continued letting his mind wander elsewhere.
Seeing that he was completely distracted, Chief Xu simply did not assign him any work at all. Lu Guang Ming did not care. After the meeting, he returned to his desk and merely sat there without the slightest energy.
No one paid attention to him. Everyone had their own work to do. The earth turned every day, billions of people coming and going, and no one cared whether he was happy, angry, sorrowful, or joyful.
After work, he was once again the last to leave, switching off the lights and locking the door. He walked expressionlessly past the rubbish bin outside the ICAC and boarded the final bus home. The bus had barely travelled half a street when it stopped at a corner. Carrying his briefcase, he hurriedly jumped off and ran back to the ICAC, panting for breath.
He lifted the lid and rummaged frantically through the rubbish bin as a foul stench assaulted his nose. When he still could not find it after searching over and over, he simply tipped the entire bin onto its side. Pedestrians along the road pinched their noses and pointed at him, only to receive a vicious glare. “What are you looking at?! The ICAC is investigating a case!”
Yet in the end, he still could not find it.
He had been the one who cast it aside first.
Back home, he lay on his bed and raised his brick phone, staring at Xie Jia Hua’s number for a very long time. Several times, he wanted to press the delete button, but ultimately could not bring himself to do it. Somewhere in the unseen, he had the feeling that once he deleted it, the number would become just like the discarded handkerchief, lost forever somewhere in the vast world.
He changed Xie Jia Hua’s contact name from “Big Sweet Potato” to “Fool.” The English name instantly sank farther down his contact list. He searched for it again and added “0_” to the front, turning it into “0_Fool,” and the entry immediately climbed to the very top of the list.
“The Fool” was the English name of the Fool card in tarot, symbolizing strength and the courage to press onward beneath a burden. Among the twenty-two Major Arcana, it was numbered both zero and twenty-two, symbolizing the beginning and end of tarot and representing infinite possibilities.
It also represented their relationship, which had ended at the very moment it began.
* * *
One week later, Lu Guang Ming received news that the “usurpation” plot of He Chu San, acting hall master of Xiao Qi Hall, had been exposed and that he had been dragged before the ancestral hall to receive public punishment under the society rules. After He Chu San took two knife wounds, Master Qiao of the He Yi Society arrived with his men and rescued him. From then on, He Chu San placed himself under Master Qiao’s banner.
Everything had unfolded according to He Chu San’s plan. Lu Guang Ming simply had not expected He Chu San to be ruthless enough to genuinely stab himself twice. To risk his life over a romance—Lu Guang Ming rather admired him for it.
Some time later, He Chu San had his assistant Kevin contact Lu Guang Ming and pass along a series of important pieces of evidence. Master Qiao had ordered He Chu San to “take care of some business” for a finance company. After investigating, He Chu San suspected that although the company was registered under someone else’s name, it was actually laundering money for Xie Ying Jie. He therefore transferred the evidence to Lu Guang Ming, hoping to rely on the ICAC’s resources and technology to investigate further.
This was the first time Lu Guang Ming had come into direct contact with evidence connected to Xie Ying Jie. After careful consideration, he ultimately chose to submit it to his superior, Chief Xu, and apply to open a formal investigation. He had worked at the ICAC for three years and had shamelessly flattered Chief Xu the entire time, yet Chief Xu had shown him no courtesy whatsoever. First, he left Lu Guang Ming sidelined for more than half a year. It was only after Lu Guang Ming discovered an important clue while organizing documents and helped solve a major case that he was transferred into the Operations Group. His colleagues constantly mocked him, saying that he spent all day jumping about, scrambling for credit and trying to claim achievements because Chief Xu favored him. Lu Guang Ming, however, knew perfectly well that Chief Xu had no fondness for him at all. Chief Xu usually treated him with distant indifference and had signed his promotion report the previous year only because Lu Guang Ming had repeatedly solved cases.
Precisely because of this, Lu Guang Ming trusted Chief Xu’s integrity. Like Xie Jia Hua, he was someone unmoved by flattery, free of selfish motives, and committed to enforcing the law impartially.
He chose to trust Chief Xu, and Chief Xu proved worthy of that trust. After receiving the materials, although he gave Lu Guang Ming a severe dressing-down for investigating privately, he still assigned personnel to assist him. What Lu Guang Ming had never expected was that Chief Xu had always placed profound hopes in him and intended to cultivate him. Lu Guang Ming’s concealment, unauthorized actions, willingness to use any means necessary, and guarded determination to keep everyone at a distance left Chief Xu deeply disappointed. After furiously berating him, Chief Xu threw him out of the office.
Lu Guang Ming walked back to his desk in a daze, while the colleagues around him continued stealing glances at him from the corners of their eyes.
Had he been wrong? Was everyone truly rejecting him, or had he actually been the one rejecting the entire world all along?
* * *
He went to a bar. Under the numbing influence of one glass of alcohol after another, he felt more lost, confused, and lonely than ever before.
He had originally believed this was his own one-man performance—that upon a darkened stage, he sang and danced madly for hatred and remembrance. Only now did he realize that perhaps it had merely been a ridiculous exercise in self-absorption and self-sentimentality. He had never once stepped onto the stage. He had always been circling backstage, cut off from the world. The ones truly bearing their burdens and searching for the truth were Xie Jia Hua and He Chu San—people like them, who had deeply loved and been loved in return. In everyone else’s story, Lu Guang Ming was merely a passing traveller who insisted on adding scenes for himself, wearing a thick mask, questioning and fearing everything around him, forever incompatible with the world.
Only then did he realize that he missed Tang Jia Qi, yet also envied him; that he resented Xie Jia Hua, yet was also jealous of him. The two of them had found another soul with whom they could sustain one another, walking side by side for their convictions, impossible to separate even through life and death.
He drank himself unconscious. In the haze, he saw Xie Jia Hua, and he also saw himself ten years earlier: fifteen years old, childish and extreme, introverted yet stubborn, desperately guarding the newly sprouted bud within his heart. He had developed a possessiveness that even he did not understand, yet he did not dare reveal the slightest trace of affection. He knew that Brother Jia Qi had fallen for someone. He came to volunteer less often on weekends, smiled more than usual, and would gaze enviously into the distance whenever he saw couples holding hands along the road. Lu Guang Ming knew that person was called A’Ward, because Brother Jia Qi mentioned A’Ward in nearly every sentence— A’Ward works in the Major Crimes Unit. His father was your father’s partner back then, so perhaps he can uncover some clue about your father’s case. A’Ward is very skilled; the day before yesterday, he caught three thieves by himself. This picture Xiao Ming drew is beautiful. Did you know A’Ward used to study art? He knows how to draw too. Tomorrow I’m going fishing with A’Ward, so Xiao Ming must study properly by himself and be disciplined. I’ll come check on you again next week. Xiao Ming, I saw this photograph at A’Ward’s home. Judging by the date, I keep feeling it might be connected to the case from back then. Take a look—do you recognize anyone in it?
He did not recognize the people in the photograph, but the words I saw this photograph at A’Ward’s home lodged painfully in his heart.
You’ve already been to his home? Did the two of you spend that entire night together? Do you really like men? Have you fallen in love with him?
He could not bring himself to ask any of those questions. His heart ached as though pierced by needles, and without warning, he lost his temper with Brother Jia Qi. He could no longer remember what absurd excuse he had used. They began arguing, and he shouted at him, “Go away!”
Brother Jia Qi had looked confused and hurt, but with his usual gentle temper, he did not continue arguing with him. Instead, he chose to leave. “Xiao Ming, calm down. I’ll come see you again next week.”
“Don’t come and see me again! I don’t need your kindness!”
The instant the words left his mouth, he regretted them. He secretly chased after Brother Jia Qi, running after the bus he had boarded until he was gasping for breath, running for an entire hour. Eventually, he lost sight of it, but he knew where Brother Jia Qi would go.
Brother Jia Qi went to a bar he frequently visited. When he was feeling so dejected, naturally he would arrange to meet his closest friend.
Lu Guang Ming saw that strong and handsome young man. The other man had just gotten off work and was still dressed in his police uniform, standing tall and straight with a warm smile. What could a foul-tempered, stubborn little punk like Lu Guang Ming possibly have that could compare with him?
He saw Brother Jia Qi kiss that young man while drunk. The young man looked utterly shocked and did not know what to do. Flushing red, Brother Jia Qi hurriedly fled, only to run into Lu Guang Ming outside the bar before he could hide.
“Xiao Ming? Why are you here?”
Lu Guang Ming shoved him away viciously. “Go away! I never want to see you again!”
Go back beneath your sunlight. Go date him. Go love someone worthy of your love, and let him love you in return. Go and be happy. Go and live a perfect life. Go to a world without me, without darkness. I don’t need you. I don’t need anyone.
Brother Jia Qi truly left, and Lu Guang Ming never saw him again.
* * *
Tears silently soaked the quilt as he wept in a drunken haze. A warm embrace enfolded him, and a warm, rough finger gently wiped the swollen corners of his eyes.
“Sleep. We’re both tired. Sleep,” that person said gently and softly.