The two faced each other in silence, but their thoughts could hardly have been more different.
Wan Yuntao did not know what else to say. He had already said what needed saying, and he could hardly pretend nothing had happened and brush it all aside. Ren Yijue might have done so, leaving them both a little dignity and taking excessive care to protect each other’s pride and feelings.
But a demon… a demon wanted an answer.
Even if that answer was rejection.
After a long while, Qian Xuelang finally spoke. “Demon, you… you’re very bold.”
Qian Xuelang was not angry. From his expression, he might have been confronted with something of no consequence at all. Wan Yuntao felt a profound wave of frustration and regret. Perhaps I should have hesitated longer, been more rational. Perhaps I should have left it to Ren Yijue to choose when to say these words… Forget it. If I left it to him, he’d probably let countless opportunities slip away.
“We’ve scarcely known each other, yet you dare confess your feelings so openly. Do you know what response you’ll receive?”
Wan Yuntao nodded. “I do.”
“You do?” Confusion flickered across Qian Xuelang’s face. He lowered his head in thought, then asked, “What is it you like about me? Surely you don’t enjoy being rejected?”
Wan Yuntao could not help laughing. “I had no idea our honored guest had such a sense of humor.”
But Qian Xuelang was perfectly serious. He held Wan Yuntao’s gaze. “In declaring your feelings, you must want something… Yet if you take this approach, could it be that what you want is to give up those feelings?”
Qian Xuelang could not really understand Wan Yuntao. There was an inexplicable chaos about him, and beneath his outwardly willful behavior something seemed concealed so deeply that Qian Xuelang could not glimpse it.
Ren Yijue could be like this sometimes, too. But… there was a slight difference.
Qian Xuelang could not put it into words.
Even Wan Yuntao’s breathing seemed to grow lighter, until almost nothing could be heard but the murmuring stream. “I won’t give up. Whatever… whatever you may think, I won’t abandon these feelings. I only wanted to tell you. I just wanted you to know.”
Qian Xuelang suddenly understood that what Wan Yuntao wanted was far smaller and simpler than he had imagined.
He did not even hope for a response. All he truly wanted was for Qian Xuelang to become aware of his affection.
For a demon of Wan Yuntao’s abilities, such a desire seemed to place him in an extraordinarily humble position. That was why it had never occurred to Qian Xuelang.
Love and desire in the mortal world were immensely complicated. Qian Xuelang had witnessed some of them, and had experienced a little himself, but he still understood very little.
For instance, in the Heavenly Mandate he had seen so many people who liked Ren Yijue. Yet he could not tell whom Ren Yijue liked, or whom he liked more.
Ren Yijue was a good man who treated everyone with such thoughtfulness and care. Perhaps in his heart there was not much difference between one person and another.
But could affection truly be so evenly divided among everyone?
If so, why had Wei Wenfeng never met someone new and fallen in love again after all these years? Why had he not put Master behind him? If he had, perhaps he would not have been so heartbroken or suffered so much. Jiufang Ce had cast everything aside for Shui Wuchen. He and Shui Wuchen lived happily together in their secluded little courtyard. Clearly, those he had left behind had not been as important to him as Shui Wuchen.
Just as… just as no one could compare with Master in Wei Wenfeng’s heart.
Perhaps because Qian Xuelang had fallen silent, Wan Yuntao spoke again. “Actually, I don’t know what I like about you either. By the time I realized it, I was already constantly worrying about you and thinking of you. At the time, I hadn’t noticed that this partiality had changed into something else. I thought your nature was so cold that I couldn’t help worrying and overthinking. It was only… ordinary fondness, no different from what I felt for anyone else.”
“Until that day…”
Qian Xuelang lowered his eyes and thought, Has he let something slip already? He’s really not very cautious. That day… He must mean the day he saved me.
Just as Qian Xuelang wanted to hear more, Wan Yuntao fell silent, offering no further details. Only after a long while did he say quietly, “I may not be especially clever, but I understand my own feelings well enough.”
Watching the person one loved almost die before one’s eyes must be a terribly painful thing.
Had Wan Yuntao felt that way on that day?
Qian Xuelang had never liked anyone in that way, nor had he encountered such a situation himself. But he had heard the anguish in Jing Pu’s voice. He knew what it did to someone to watch a person they cared for die before their eyes…
And there was Wei Wenfeng.
When Master died, Wei Wenfeng had nearly gone mad. Through his spiritual consciousness, Qian Xuelang had seen him in such grief and despair, and seen that desolate sky, as though the world itself were ending.
In that instant, Qian Xuelang could understand Wan Yuntao’s fear.
Even though he was under no obligation to return Wan Yuntao’s feelings.
Suddenly, Qian Xuelang remembered what he himself had said in Dongxun City when demon thralls had come up: Even if it is someone nearest and dearest to you, why should you be unable to steel your heart?
Looking back, those words had been arrogance of the highest order.
How could anyone bear to do it?
Human beings were not born perfect. They had so many private desires, so many attachments and feelings.
Qian Xuelang had already begun to sense this when he spoke with Jing Pu. The Golden Buddha Maiden and Silver-Ring Sheng had been vicious and hateful toward the world, yet they reserved all their love for Jing Pu, and Jing Pu had answered them by giving of himself. Even so, that was not what the Golden Buddha Maiden and Silver-Ring Sheng had wanted. Perhaps they would have preferred Jing Pu to live happily and safely rather than seek vengeance for them.
Just like Wan Yuntao, who could endure the torment of loving someone, but could not accept that beloved person’s death.
Just like Ren Yijue, whose cultivation was unremarkable, yet who had forced himself to wield the Demon-Slaying Sword to save another person.
Humans… their private desires…
As he thought back, countless things that had happened since he descended the mountain rushed into Qian Xuelang’s mind. His heart had always been as still as water, but now myriad thoughts appeared at once. Something within him broke like a collapsing dam. His emotions surged in waves fiercer than ordinary people could imagine, and a bright flush of blood suddenly spread across his face.
Wan Yuntao stared at the color in his cheeks. At first he thought Qian Xuelang was shy, embarrassed by his confession. Then another thought struck him with horror. The Jade Beauty isn’t some innocent, bashful youth. If a few words could make him blush with embarrassment, how could he ever have cultivated the Emotionless Dao?
Sure enough, scarcely had that thought crossed his mind when Qian Xuelang began to tremble. The shaking was so violent that he knocked over the flowers and fruit piled on the leaf. He bent his head, white hair slipping down beside him like fine silk, and dug his fingers into the stone as though struggling to endure something.
Wan Yuntao had no time to worry about anything else. He gathered Qian Xuelang into his arms and felt his body turn hot and cold by turns. Beads of sweat as large as soybeans had already formed on his brow. Alarmed, Wan Yuntao asked, “You… what’s happening to you?”
“I… I…” Qian Xuelang could barely get the words out. “My heart hurts so badly… I…”
As he spoke, the metallic taste of blood welled up in his throat, and he could no longer stop himself from vomiting blood. Hot blood surged through his chest, his heart hammered wildly, and without realizing it, he thought again of Ren Yijue.
Wan Yuntao… Wan Yuntao didn’t want me to die. He… he carried me to the Earth-Mother Womb Pool to save me.
And Ren Yijue? When he used the Demon-Slaying Sword, was he also trying to save my life? Or was it for Jing Pu?
Why should I care…?
Qian Xuelang had followed the Emotionless Dao for a hundred years. He knew how difficult and treacherous that path was, and what a terrible price it demanded. He had always thought he simply did not understand why Master had left such final instructions. Only now did he realize that he did not truly understand why Master had devoted himself to saving the world, either.
Is this what emotion is? These feelings… If I must release them, cast them aside, how am I supposed to cast them aside? How can I let go?
Now that I understand, how can I make myself stop caring?
Qian Xuelang took some time to recover. Fortunately, his previous experiences meant that this time he did not lose consciousness. When he opened his eyes, he had no idea how long he had been lying in Wan Yuntao’s arms. Displeasure instantly rose in his heart, and he was about to push the man away when a thought came to him. He did mean well.
That thought lessened his anger. Qian Xuelang sighed gently and said, “I’m all right now. You can let go of me.”
Wan Yuntao obediently released him. His temperament could be rough and unreasonable at times, yet at others he was extraordinarily gentle and considerate.
“Did you… again…” Wan Yuntao broke off, seemingly unsure whether to continue. In the end, he asked, “Um, what happened to you?”
Qian Xuelang shook his head. “It’s nothing. I rarely experience the seven emotions. When they stir, they tend to be far more turbulent than they are for ordinary people. It’s nothing serious, and I’m not injured.”
Wan Yuntao’s gaze darkened at once. His hand moved against his knee for a moment, and his voice turned much colder. “Your feelings were stirred just now? Why? Was it because of me?”
Qian Xuelang found this strange. If you love me, why are you unhappy when I feel something because of you? Are demons all this difficult to understand?
How could he know that Wan Yuntao was indeed delighted, but where would that leave Ren Yijue?
Fortunately, Qian Xuelang’s temperament had grown considerably more even, and he did not take offense. He had intended to explain the matter of the Emotionless Dao, but it was so complicated that there seemed little point in doing so. Instead, he said simply, “It had something to do with you, and yet it didn’t. Your words reminded me of certain things from the past and helped me understand a great deal. It wouldn’t be wrong to say my feelings stirred because of you. But strictly speaking, it wasn’t really about you.”
Wan Yuntao grew much quieter. He watched Qian Xuelang with an unreadable expression, then after a long while turned his eyes to the ground and spoke slowly. “Is that so? Then… that’s good. As long as you’re all right. It’s a pity about the fruit, though.”
The flesh was delicate enough to bruise at the slightest knock. After tumbling and rolling across the ground, the fruit was now crushed beyond recognition.
Qian Xuelang was about to pick it up when Wan Yuntao stopped him. “Leave it. Don’t dirty your hands. The birds and little animals will eat the fruit if we leave it here. Even if they don’t want it, it’ll rot into the soil and enrich the ground next year. It may never have the chance to let you taste its sweetness, but it still has somewhere to go. Besides, even if you pick it up, you won’t eat it. You’ll only throw it away somewhere else. So why bother?”
For a moment, Qian Xuelang was dazed, unable to tell whether Wan Yuntao was talking about the fruit or his own feelings.