Although the Earth-Mother Womb Pool was not actually their home, and Qian Xuelang had meant nothing particular by saying “You’re back,” the demon still found those words gratifying.
Sure enough, Qian Xuelang soon added, “My injuries are nearly healed.”
“Are they?” The demon was naturally pleased for him, but the discovery that he was a Heavenly Demon Vessel had left his mind in turmoil. Distracted, he replied casually, “That’s good.”
Hearing something amiss in his voice, Qian Xuelang slowly stepped out of the Womb Pool. An infant spirit was playing in his hair, tugging his snow-white locks into a hopeless tangle.
“What are you playing at?”
The demon looked on helplessly and lifted the little fellow away. Rather than return it to the pool, he placed it on Qian Xuelang’s shoulder so it would not be stranded outside the water later.
It was anyone’s guess which of them he had been scolding.
Standing so close to him, Qian Xuelang could now make out the worry on the demon’s face. He considered, This demon alternates between madness and lucidity, and his mind isn’t entirely sound. For better or worse, he saved my life. If I truly haggle over some small offense and take his life for it, I would be in the wrong. Very well.
At first Qian Xuelang had been furious indeed. But as the days passed and his anger subsided, his thoughts gradually returned to Ren Yijue and Jing Pu.
The two matters were entirely different, yet once the impulse to forgive had taken root in him, he was no longer quite as hard and cold as before. For the time being, he set aside his murderous intent. He had no intention of letting the demon know of this decision, however, lest the fellow take advantage and press for more.
In truth, Qian Xuelang hardly knew the demon, much less his temperament. He was simply using the most troublesome person he knew, Ren Yijue, as a point of comparison.
Ren Yijue was an expert at taking a mile when given an inch, and so relentlessly persistent that even Qian Xuelang sometimes had to prepare himself thoroughly to avoid being led about by the nose. Surely this demon could not be any more troublesome than Ren Yijue.
Qian Xuelang asked coldly, “Do you have any unfulfilled wishes?”
He not only carried himself like a master but invariably spoke from the same lofty height.
The demon loved and pitied him. He had once deliberately hoped to teach Qian Xuelang something of the world’s warmth and cruelty, but in the end it was he himself who had stumbled disastrously over that lesson. He had not shaken Qian Xuelang’s Dao heart in the slightest.
Perhaps that was for the best. Perhaps… perhaps it really was better that way.
The demon gazed at Qian Xuelang with his whole heart. On his return journey, countless thoughts had crossed his mind, including one sudden notion: Wouldn’t it be interesting if the Jade Beauty killed me? I am a Heavenly Demon Vessel. If I died, the world would be spared one worry. Master and Mother would inevitably be heartbroken, but if they knew I’d broken the seal, perhaps they’d already have expected something like this. As for the Jade Beauty… What would he do if he couldn’t find Ren Yijue? Would he keep searching, or look around a little and then give up?
Life and death were no matters to joke about lightly. But the sudden discovery of the mystery surrounding his birth had finally explained why the Heavenly Demon wanted him captured alive. His biological father’s origins were still unclear, though the man was presumably wicked beyond redemption. Even if the Heavenly Demon were killed, the demon himself might still provide the opportunity for his return to the world. Despondent, he had become almost indifferent to his own survival.
“My wishes? Why are you asking?”
The demon’s attitude had grown somewhat cool, though he did not take his eyes off Qian Xuelang.
Qian Xuelang stood for a long while before answering evenly, “To repay you for saving my life. I do not wish to remain in your debt.”
The demon smiled faintly. “Didn’t you already agree to spare my life? Is that not enough?”
“I saw you fight Bai Wujin. You are no weakling. It was arrogant of me to claim I could spare your life,” Qian Xuelang replied. “I dislike taking advantage of others, so let us settle on a different condition.”
“How noble and upright the Daoist is. Truly openhearted and beyond reproach.”
The demon shook his head with a soft laugh. He naturally had countless wishes. When he was human, he could still conceal them to some extent, but as a demon they all spilled forth uncontrollably. Yet how many of them could he possibly tell Qian Xuelang?
At last he sighed softly. “None. I have no wishes.”
The demon reached out again. This time, having set aside all thought of life and death, he finally found the courage to touch Qian Xuelang’s cheek. His gaze was full of complicated emotion.
As the human Ren Yijue, even if he received no love and no response whatsoever, he still retained a measure of selfless loyalty, hoping Qian Xuelang might come to understand, perhaps even attain the Dao.
But how could a demon ever be so magnanimous?
The demon thought, I want you to stop here, return to your mountain, and never explore the mortal world again. Stop trying to understand people’s hearts. Don’t learn what the seven emotions and six desires are. Would you ever grant such a wish? You’ve never understood what feelings are, but that doesn’t mean you lack them. If you truly had none, you wouldn’t have grieved for He Tianjun, been angry on Wei Wenfeng’s behalf, spoken up for the Golden Buddha Maiden, or shown mercy to Lord Pu…
It angers me that you don’t understand, but I’m even more afraid that you will. If you never understand, then all it means is that I cannot have you. No one else in this world can, either. And… what’s so bad about that? At least it’s fair. One great virtue of fairness is that although no one gets what they want, no one can upset the balance.
But if you truly do understand one day, and the Jade Beauty I carved with my own hands falls in love with somebody else, how could I accept it? How could I possibly accept it? How could you ever expect me to?
Before Qian Xuelang could grow angry, the demon quickly withdrew his hand and waited for a cutting remark. Unexpectedly, Qian Xuelang merely asked calmly, “Demon, something is troubling you.”
The Jade Beauty was always extraordinarily perceptive in the strangest ways.
The demon gave a rueful smile. “You cannot see, Daoist. How did you know?”
“Some things cannot be seen with the eyes alone. When you lose your senses, you do become somewhat deranged and witless. But when your mind is sound, apart from the beginning, you have seldom let yourself become so carried away. Besides…”
“Besides?”
“You look very sad,” Qian Xuelang said.
Qian Xuelang had often seen sorrow and grief in others and seldom experienced them himself. Yet however little experience he had, it was not nothing. On both occasions when pain in his heart had caused him to faint, he had awakened to find Ren Yijue beside him. Though he did not know why people felt the need to keep each other company, he had indeed felt warmth and comfort at those moments.
Back then Qian Xuelang had merely thanked Ren Yijue, never speaking aloud of that little tenderness in his heart. Now, extending a measure of it to the demon, he still maintained his usual icy manner.
Taking liberties in the throes of passion and seeking comfort in the depths of grief were entirely different things, yet at times they could look astonishingly alike. Qian Xuelang found the resemblance rather curious.
The demon was both delighted and desolate to hear this. He stared at Qian Xuelang, dazed.
After a long while, he suddenly said, “I’ve thought of a wish.”
“Hm?” Qian Xuelang was surprised. “That was quick. Tell me.”
The demon slowly told him about the Heavenly Demon Vessels. Qian Xuelang’s expression did not change as he listened. He said evenly, “Do you want me to help free you from being a Heavenly Demon Vessel? Or to kill the Heavenly Demon? That doesn’t count. You needn’t ask me to do either. I intended to kill the Heavenly Demon anyway.”
“No.” The demon’s expression shifted, and he turned his face slightly aside, making it harder for Qian Xuelang to read. “My wish is… if circumstances change, please kill me, Daoist.”
Qian Xuelang understood. “You fear the Heavenly Demon possessing you?”
The demon nodded. “Yes. I want always to remain myself. Even if I cannot choose my fate, at least I can bring it to an end.”
Qian Xuelang considered for a moment, then nodded solemnly. “Very well. I promise.”
Seeing the Jade Beauty’s utterly unwavering expression, the demon suddenly burst into laughter, his eyes filling with tears again. Looking at those soft, rosy lips, he longed to lean forward and kiss them one last time, leaving himself one final memory.
When Qian Xuelang saw him approaching, he intended to strike him away. But then he noticed the crystalline gleam in the demon’s eyes. Blurred as his vision remained, he knew what it was. He froze briefly, then wondered, This demon must desperately want to live. He threatened me with death before only because everyone fears dying. Why, then, does he ask me to kill him?
Lost in thought, he forgot to act. The demon’s face drew so close that their cheeks nearly touched and their noses almost met, but from beginning to end, the demon did nothing.
Those two glistening tears rolled from his eyes and fell straight to the ground.
Slowly the demon drew back, as though nothing at all had happened. He took some time to steady his emotions, seemingly restraining something within himself. Only after a long while did he say, “Return to the Womb Pool and rest, Daoist. I’ll come see you tomorrow.”
Qian Xuelang watched the demon disappear from view before returning to the pool. The infant spirit on his shoulder had long since grown tired. It babbled something unintelligible, took a lock of his hair into its mouth, and promptly fell asleep.
Another carefree infant spirit drifted along the water onto his chest. With its tiny bottom sticking up, it curled forward to sleep like a little animal. Suddenly it spread its five fingers and rested them against Qian Xuelang’s hand, which lay over his stomach.
Qian Xuelang observed them closely and thought, These infants cannot grow up, nor can they die again. They are forever suspended in this one moment. They like the demon, and they like me, regardless of whether either of us is good or evil. When happy, they play with me; when displeased, they bite me a few times or wrestle with each other.
They understood nothing.
Nothing at all.
Qian Xuelang slowly closed his eyes.
And what of the demon? If he fears death so much and clings so dearly to the mortal world, why is his one wish a request to die? Is it out of compassion for the people of the world? Or to keep himself from being replaced? Or is he, like me, simply trying to do what is right?
If only Ren Yijue were here. Ren Yijue would certainly understand. He is so clever. He would know what has happened to the demon and why the demon made this choice.
But what exactly would count as a change in circumstances? Qian Xuelang felt the strength gradually returning to his body and fell into a long silence. Fortunately, he could now wield Honglu again. Presumably, if the demon showed any signs of abnormality, he could simply kill him outright.
The demon was somewhat frivolous and wanton, but he was not a bad person. Qian Xuelang felt a faint pang of regret and decided that, when he killed him, he would make it as quick as possible so the demon would suffer as little as he could manage.
He drifted peacefully into a deep sleep.