With that one sentence on WeChat, Zhuang Xiao hauled Young Hero Pei, who had been riding a cloud of Buddhist light and preparing to go west in search of enlightenment, straight back to earth. Once again he tumbled into the mortal world, full of human passions and desires.
Pei Yan listened to the voice message over and over.
More than thirty times. His phone was already fully charged, and the men who had been sitting beside him charging theirs had all left to catch their flights. Yet he remained sitting there, listening to it like a man bewitched.
It was impossible.
Could Zhuang Xiao really have said such things? Had somebody hacked his account?
The way he addressed Pei Yan was wrong. His tone was wrong. Even his voice seemed different. A man like Zhuang Xiao did not speak sentimentally. Whether he loved someone or not, he never said it aloud. Pei Yan had not even dared hope for it.
They were in different places with a time difference, and their plans seemed to have a serious timing problem as well. They kept missing each other. Pei Yan called Zhuang Xiao, but once again nobody answered. Who knew what he was busy doing?
Could he be filming? What unbelievably bad timing.
* * *
Pei Yan hurriedly bought another flight ticket, this time to Los Angeles. Passenger flights between the two great cities were frequent, so he could buy a ticket and board almost whenever he liked.
He left Zhuang Xiao a swaggering message. “I’m flying from Chicago to Los Angeles now! I’m coming to fuck you. Get ready for all thirty-six of my fighting routines!”
Other miscellaneous messages poured into his phone as well. Of course they did. He had fled to America alone, and everyone back home had exploded. Countless people were looking for him, hoping he would hurry back.
He was not even afraid to listen to Zhang Shaochi and the others scolding him. He listened to each angry voice message as it came, then deleted it immediately. How satisfying. Saved precious space on his phone! Only the person he loved could wrench his heart, send him spinning into such a frenzy that he nearly lost his mind. As for everybody else, who cared who cursed him or hated him? He genuinely did not care. If he could not be the best, most perfect person in the world, he would be the proudest, most infuriating one. Someone would still love him and think him precious, heh-heh.
Zhang Shaochi, to his credit, did not lose his temper. He sent a calm message containing two points. First: that bastard Du Mingjun was talking nonsense. I only conduct business. I have never harmed anyone with my own hands. Don’t you know what sort of man I am? Second: Yanyan, you’re due on set in three days. You cannot abandon the production. That would be breach of contract and a violation of an actor’s professional ethics. Come back immediately.
Pei Yan knew that running away at the last moment and breaking his contract was very wrong.
He understood right and wrong and had his own moral compass. But in his heart, his Brother Xiao took priority even over his sense of right and wrong. He could not endure another moment of separation.
I’ve gone this far for you. I’ve risked everything. Will you care more about me now, cherish me more?
He had brought only one bag, no change of clothes, and no cash. Wandering alone around Chicago O’Hare, the giant of the aviation industry, he was like a lost child who could no longer find his way home. The feeling was horrible, unbearably lonely. He wanted to see Zhuang Xiao so much, wanted the man to come and pick him up… When people were helpless and uncertain about their futures, they easily became vulnerable. He wanted a solid, warm embrace to lean into.
He withdrew cash from an ATM, put it in his pocket, and bought himself coffee, a hamburger, and fries.
Savoring the hot, crisp, delicious fries, he wished he could pretend he was sucking on Brother Xiao’s thigh instead. So delicious.
After wandering around the departure lounge a few times, he became familiar with several Black guys waiting for flights and even treated them to fries. They chatted excitedly with him, but their accents were so strong he could barely understand them. Mr. Pei was friendly with everyone from the first meeting, especially in a crowd. His hooded sweatshirt and hip-hop trousers with the waistband of his underwear showing also met their approval. The young men bumped fists warmly and were soon friends.
One fellow hummed some music. Pei Yan bounced along to the rhythm and broke into a few signature street-dance moves.
Then he boarded his flight to Los Angeles…
Another stroke of unfortunate timing would make the two of them miss each other yet again.
Zhuang Xiao had been filming a whole string of shots at the fastest possible pace. On set, he wore elaborate makeup. His face was completely covered in paint, with an additional layer of something like a rubber mask stuck over it. He could not breathe through his nose, only inhale the cold air through his mouth. Suspended from stunt wires, he raced through the snowy forest, fighting with primitive weapons like a wilderness hunter. He also had to leap from the top of a towering sequoia and battle a “bear-man.”
Several bears on the set were fake, simply stunt performers inside oversized furry costumes, waddling about like enormous plush toys. But one bear was real, brought in by an animal trainer for medium and distant shots of the hero fending off its attacks.
With a shield and exaggerated weapons in hand, long black hair streaming, Zhuang Xiao fought the bear on horseback and worked up a sweat despite the winter cold. He was a little afraid himself, but the horse was truly terrified. It reared up on its hind legs and threw him off…
In postproduction, this footage would be made far more extravagant. The bear would become a tusked demonic monster running on four paws. The warhorse would wear armor and sprout wings. They would battle in the clouds, surrounded by magnificent medieval-looking frozen waterfalls, giant sequoias, red pines, and a bleeding sun… Zhuang Xiao could only admire the director’s boundless imagination.
At least this part of the story did not feature a mass-gymnastics troupe waving glow sticks. It merely tormented the two leads, Zhuang Xiao and Jason. Zhuang Xiao spent the entire morning hanging from stunt wires, fighting every sort of monster without a chance to catch his breath.
Finally the director let him go.
The moment the safety lines came off, Zhuang Xiao ran to the little wooden cabin serving as a rest room, still in makeup. He dug his phone out of his bag and turned it on, only to be bombarded by eight or ten missed calls and a pile of voice and text messages from Mr. Pei…
He had originally intended to call Mr. Pei after work, ask where he was and whether he was still in China. Once he finished this sequence, could he get leave from the production and go back to see him?
They had not seen each other for a long time. Surely they should speak calmly by phone first, discuss their future careers and lives, then agree on how and where to meet.
That was Zhuang Xiao’s rhythm, the pace at which he handled things.
But Pei Yan was saying in his voice messages, “I’m already at Chicago airport. It’s even colder here than Heilongjiang!”
“I’ve bought a ticket from Chicago to Los Angeles. I’m coming to find you in LA!”
“I’m coming to beat you up. I’m going to smack your ass until you admit you were wrong and beg for mercy, until you tell me you know you were wrong and you’ll never dare do it again.”
“Are you even at home? Don’t you dare run away, you little brat! You won’t hide from me!”
“…”
In several other voice messages, Pei Yan was clearly running through a crowded airport, panting frantically as he spoke. Zhuang Xiao could barely make out the words.
The messages left Zhuang Xiao thoroughly confused, almost out of his mind.
He simply could not understand Pei Yan’s way of thinking or acting. Their personalities were completely incompatible.
Why was he always in such a hurry?
Idiot, why hadn’t you found somewhere to rest at Chicago airport? You could have slept comfortably in a hotel. I’d have brought thick winter clothes and come to pick you up.
Why did you have to buy tickets and fly all over the world? Do you think this is fun?
* * *
Over the many years of their future life together, he would be forced to get used to Mr. Pei’s temperament and thinking. Pei Yan was utterly unlike him. Zhuang Xiao would never quite keep up with his tricks. Every time, he would be dragged or kicked forward, stumbling and rolling in the dust to catch up…
But he was not at home now, or even in that city. He was filming at a national park several hours away. Yanyan was running around alone, carried away by his hot blood and impulsive nature. What if he got lost in a foreign country?
Zhuang Xiao immediately requested leave from the crew. He could not shoot his afternoon scenes. He had to go home at once.
The urgency on his face made it look as though his house had caught fire and the flames were already racing across the roof. He had to rush home to put out the blaze!
As a result, Zhuang Xiao once again acted like a “big star” on this set.
Disregarding the crew’s tight schedule, he took emergency leave and walked off the set without argument, not even fully removing his makeup or changing his costume. People would surely criticize him behind his back. Several Chinese actors and crew members were present, and the director was one of their own acquaintances. He could hardly announce that he had run off to reunite with Pei Yan after months apart and set their passion alight. He could not breathe a word of it. In his entire acting career, the very few times he had ever behaved like an entitled star were both for Pei Yan.
He left Pei Yan message after message, giving him elaborate instructions. For once, he recorded seven or eight voice messages, speaking patiently.
“Kid, when you get to Los Angeles, find a hotel and stay there quietly. The airport shuttle can take you to the nearest hotel.
“You’re not allowed to go anywhere or run around. Do you understand what your guardian is telling you?”
“Have you got money? Keep your cards and cash safe. Los Angeles can be dangerous. Be careful.”
“Don’t go out sightseeing. There are neighborhoods you mustn’t visit. You don’t know your way around. Don’t go anywhere!”
Then he bought a flight from Northern California back to Southern California.
But by the time he boarded the plane, Pei Yan had arrived in Los Angeles and was calling him. Zhuang Xiao had no signal…
The entire day seemed endless because they missed each other so much, yet it passed in a series of coincidences and near misses.
Both were worried about the other and wanted to meet so badly they could scarcely bear another moment. In Pei Yan’s mind, once he had made a decision and committed himself to something, waiting in place was foolish. Pursuing it actively was heroic! He lived his life racing down the road in high spirits, always with a clear destination.
When Zhuang Xiao landed in Los Angeles, he had already imagined every possible mishap. He calmly answered the call. “Where are you? Weren’t you dying to beat me up? Here I am, ready to let you hit me. Where are you planning to do it?”
“Oh, you’re here?” Pei Yan’s voice mingled with highway traffic and wind. “I… I flagged down a vehicle by the freeway. We’re driving north. Where are you?”
Zhuang Xiao froze. For a full minute, no words came. The crowds in the airport passed before him like shadows from another life. His mind was empty.
“Old Pei, you… find somewhere to get out. Find a place and wait for me. All right?” Zhuang Xiao said.
“Oh, I… I don’t even know where we’ve gotten to,” Pei Yan said.
“What the fuck kind of vehicle did you flag down?” Zhuang Xiao was so furious he wanted to curse, but could not. He was too worried. Yanyan was somewhere out there in a foreign land, on a cold winter night.
“Maybe a supermarket refrigerated delivery truck? A Black guy is driving. He seemed lonely driving by himself, and he really wanted to chat with me, so I…” Pei Yan was still talking.
“Old Pei… you… baby, can you please get out and find a hotel?” Zhuang Xiao’s feelings trembled. The little monkey was far too bold, hitching rides on the freeway because he happened to be a kung-fu monkey.
“Whaaat?” Pei Yan shouted.
“Baby, ask the driver to leave the freeway and find you a hotel. Get a room and wait for me, then send me the address. Can you please listen to your brother?” Zhuang Xiao’s voice was shaking.
“Whaaat… caaan’t… heeear… yooou!” Pei Yan kept yelling.
“Baby…” Zhuang Xiao closed his eyes.
“Hahahaha!” Pei Yan laughed. “Hey! I heard you. I just wanted to make you say it a few more times so I could hear it a few more times! What a rare treat, Zhuang Xiao. Someone like you, heh-heh.”
“…”
Someone like me. Pretty awful, aren’t I? Hopeless. Zhuang Xiao knew he was guilty. He could not argue with the little “heh-heh” Pei Yan had delivered, and accepted it silently.
He rented a car and set out, driving north into the cold wind toward the person in his heart. With the vehicle’s hands-free system connected, he enjoyed an endless stream of complaints and chatter from a certain someone.
Still exactly that sort of person, utterly unchanged. The nervous, overexcited idiot.
The two of them were equally hopeless. How were they such a perfect match?
“Well, that Black guy was in a hurry, so he had to drop me off by the freeway again,” Pei Yan said.
“That’s too dangerous! Don’t stand on the roadside. Get down from there!” Zhuang Xiao said at once.
“I have to walk down… The road’s a bit slippery… Is it going to rain?” Pei Yan said.
“Please get down quickly. Cars are moving too fast. I’m afraid you’ll get hurt,” Zhuang Xiao said.
“You concentrate on driving too! Don’t get distracted chatting with me,” Pei Yan said. “Are you allowed to walk on the emergency shoulder on American highways?”
“You can’t walk on the emergency shoulder in any country!” Zhuang Xiao felt the volcano inside him about to erupt.
“All right, all right. I know. You sound just like my mom… I can see a convenience store. Don’t worry. I’ll go in and buy some food and drinks,” Pei Yan said.
“Good. Find somewhere warm.”
“Brother Xiao… You bastard.” Pei Yan did not know what else to say. He simply wanted to speak that name. He repeated it again and again, adding the same judgment after every repetition. Bastard.
“I’m a bastard,” Zhuang Xiao agreed. “Bored? Shall I sing you something? Want to hear a song?”
Trees flashed past the side of his car. He had drifted through these past few days in a haze, never taking in the scenery along the way. A life lived alone was incomplete after all. Without someone to share it, no scenery could leave a mark on the heart.
The clearest memory remained of them running together across the white beach on their Pacific island, facing the sunrise. Of riding horses beneath the blood-red sun over the Huitengxile grasslands, looking back at one another’s smiling faces.
That was the landscape in his heart. Life could be that joyful!
Now he understood how wrong he had been, how profoundly his understanding had been distorted. He hoped he had not realized it too late.
“I wish I hadn’t gone away, so we could meet again somewhere far off;
“Every day watching the sea, every day facing one another;
“I hope you’re no longer afraid that I’ll leave;
“Even if I go, in your sky;
“Oh, do you know who would willingly turn away?
“Who stands between you and me…
“Is it fate, is it love, is it childhood innocence, or chance?
“There are tears, guilt, giving, and endurance;
“Is it a person, a wall, or a winter hidden in our eyes?
“Days and nights, dreams, and no way to keep waiting.”
* * *
His resonant voice was beautiful, full of feeling. The song left even Pei Yan silent.
In the end Zhuang Xiao stopped himself. Enough singing. If Pei Yan’s phone battery ran out, that would be trouble. Stay where you are and wait.
Zhuang Xiao took the freeway exit, turned a corner, and spotted Pei Yan almost at once.
He braked so hard that the tire marks drew a strange, crooked curve across the pavement. The car struck the curb before coming to a stop.
Under the dim evening sky, two streetlamps formed circles of light. Pei Yan sat in front of the convenience store, having bought a sandwich, chips, and beer. He was eating and chatting with a homeless man who regularly sat outside the shop, communicating through wild gestures.
Zhuang Xiao jumped out of his car and stared at the person beneath the streetlight.
Pei Yan looked like a homeless man himself, huddled in the cold wind with a blanket over his legs. The light struck the side of his face. His face and hands were red like carrot skins from the cold. He chewed his sandwich.
It was the only time in his life Zhuang Xiao had ever walked toward another person in the street while the waves he had held back in his eyes for so many days finally spilled over, foaming hot as they washed across a white beach. The water burned.
He would never allow himself to be so vulnerable again. In the future, he would try not to make this mistake again.
Pei Yan stood too, dropping his half-eaten sandwich on the ground, a ring of bread crumbs around his mouth.
Zhuang Xiao was still in costume, long braids hanging loose. Halloween had already passed, but he looked like a Caribbean pirate wandering the streets at midnight, newly crawled out of some cave. He had washed off some of the face paint, but traces of eyeliner and eyeshadow remained. Beneath the streetlamp, his face was a colorful mess.
What were the first words he said? “I’m sorry.”
“Who wants to hear you apologize?” Pei Yan stared at him without expression, his voice nasal from the cold.
“I know I was wrong, truly wrong. I’ll never dare do it again. I’m confessing my mistake and begging for mercy. Hit me however you like. I won’t fight back…” Zhuang Xiao said word by word, repeating exactly what Pei Yan had demanded in his voice messages.
He had replayed those messages so many times that he knew them by heart. Press the playback button in his head, and he could recite every word.
“I really, really want to hit you.” Pei Yan rose, the blanket sliding from his legs. He looked miserable, but two flames flashed in his eyes. They spread and grew into a fire.
“Then hit me,” Zhuang Xiao said.
Before he had even finished speaking, a palm struck his face.
Zhuang Xiao was unprepared. Or rather, he had been prepared for Mr. Pei’s knee attacks, instinctively tightening his ribs and abdomen to brace for a kick. He had not expected a palm slicing diagonally toward his face!
He did not dodge. He presented his face to the blow.
Smack! The strike swept across one ear, his jaw, and down toward his carotid artery.
“Why didn’t you dodge?” Pei Yan was immediately alarmed. His tone changed. “You really didn’t dodge…”
Zhuang Xiao bent forward and instinctively covered the base of his ear and his neck. Sharp pain spread through the joints of cartilage.
“Who taught you that?” he asked, panting.
“Your dad. I learned it from your dad! He said that move would be especially good for hitting you!” Pei Yan answered truthfully.
“…” Zhuang Xiao’s vision darkened. He had nothing to say. What a father, dedicated to sabotaging his own son.
Even ten years was not too late for a gentleman to take revenge. This move, “White Ape Offers Fruit,” had now landed squarely across Hero Zhuang’s face.
“Does it hurt?”
Pei Yan put an arm around Zhuang Xiao’s shoulders, gripped him tightly, and stared at him.
“Do you think I’m cruel? I’m afraid you won’t remember me. In a few days, you’ll forget again and dump me again.”
He asked the questions.
Zhuang Xiao shook his head, leaned against the wall, and set his face straight in front of him. “Give me a few more slaps. Hit harder. I’ll definitely remember then. I won’t ever forget.”
Pei Yan did not strike him a second time. He was hurting too.
He pinched the most painful part of Zhuang Xiao’s chin between two fingers, forced his mouth open, and thrust his tongue inside…
They held each other fiercely beside the streetlamp, the arc of light above them. Gripping one another, they kissed wildly, gasped, hurt, and kissed again. Their dry tongues tangled. It felt as though three thousand years had passed since they had last been together. They savored the reunion, moistening and warming one another, letting memories from three thousand years ago merge with the sweetness of the present into something real they could feel…
Several streams of salty liquid seemed to run down to their mouths and were quickly swallowed. They both tasted the salt. The cold wind dried their faces until the skin stung, but their lips and tongues were burning hot. Beneath the moon on a freezing night, they chased each other’s warmth without wanting their mouths to part for even an instant.
They touched each other’s chests and caressed the faces before them, smearing the remaining eye makeup even further.
They were two ragged, dirty homeless men on the street, two destitute lunatics. During their wandering journey, they had at last found the companion they had lost. Finally their hearts could be at peace. Hand in hand, they could continue forward.