Beneath the red walls and yellow roof tiles, the two men stood holding hands, reluctant to surrender the warmth of each other’s palms.
Then Zhuang Xiao said, “The reporters know my address now. They may stake the place out and follow us. Don’t come there anymore, all right? We can find somewhere else to meet.”
Pei Yan nodded in agreement.
As a condition in exchange, he suggested, “Come out to dinner with me tonight? I’ve already arranged it. A few of my friends really want to meet you.”
“Your friends?” Zhuang Xiao didn’t understand.
“Yeah, my buddies. Really close friends. They’re not in the entertainment business,” Pei Yan explained.
“They know who I am?” Zhuang Xiao asked.
“Who doesn’t know you? You’re a Best Actor!” Pei Yan laughed.
“What I mean is…” Zhuang Xiao wanted to ask whether Pei Yan’s friends knew about their relationship.
“They know,” Pei Yan said softly.
Pei Yan’s thoughts tangled up again, and he pressed, “Are you that afraid of other people finding out about us?”
“I’m not afraid of people knowing things about me,” Zhuang Xiao said seriously, shaking his head. “I’m afraid it will affect you.”
In other words, you’re more vulnerable than I am.
Vulnerable in every sense. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Pei Yan or thought the young man couldn’t handle trouble. It was that, in his position, how much could Pei Yan really withstand? If he were exposed, what would he do? Would he still be able to make a living in the industry?
Things had gone so smoothly for him that perhaps he had never faced any real setbacks… Zhuang Xiao turned Mr. Pei’s face toward him and kissed him again.
“So are you coming tonight? They’re coming over from nearby to see me. We’ve made plans for dinner,” Pei Yan asked, chasing Zhuang Xiao’s lips and pressing their mouths together.
“All right, I’ll meet them.” Zhuang Xiao nodded.
If it’ll make you happy.
Men liked to show off. Once they found someone they loved, they wanted to take that person out and parade their happiness in front of their buddies. Zhuang Xiao understood Pei Yan’s pride and fondness for showing off perfectly. He would cooperate.
A tour group wandered into the imperial consort’s courtyard, voices swelling around them. The two hastily released each other’s hands and turned their faces away, like a pair of schoolboys secretly meeting in a corner of campus. If they didn’t get out of there quickly, the disciplinary dean would catch them in the act. Time to run.
* * *
That evening they went to a famous old-fashioned copper-pot mutton hotpot restaurant in a narrow alley near the Muslim neighborhood in southern Beijing.
Zhuang Xiao had suggested it for three reasons: first, it was the old Beijing character of Niujie; second, the food was excellent; third, entertainment reporters and paparazzi probably came here far less often. Those people preferred to ambush celebrities in the upscale Sanlitun SOHO business district, rather than wander into this more down-to-earth part of the south city.
And even if someone saw them, so what? Just a group of male friends having dinner together.
Fresh, bloody slices of young lamb cooked almost instantly in the bubbling broth of the big copper pot. Eating meat in enormous mouthfuls brought back the pleasure of being in Huitengxile just days ago, roasting lamb and drinking fermented mare’s milk. Zhuang Xiao still didn’t drink alcohol. He clinked his teacup against the glasses of Pei Yan’s friends, and that served as their introduction.
Both Zhuang Xiao and Pei Yan wore hoodies, with baseball caps pulled on underneath their hoods, leaving their eyes hidden in shadow. They looked ridiculous sitting like that in a restaurant, with little more than their mouths showing, constantly stuffing them with meat.
Yuan Chao and Wang Jue were reserved at first, looking like ordinary nobodies who had suddenly met a major entertainment-industry celebrity. But after a while they grew restless, revealed their true selves, drank a few rounds, and started talking nonsense, waving their chopsticks around the table.
“Old Pei, wow. Never would’ve imagined it,” Wang Jue said.
“What didn’t you two imagine? That I’d make my move so efficiently?” Pei Yan shot him a sidelong glare.
“Exactly! Who was it who once told me in such despair that it was hopeless, the guy was completely straight, and he had principles, so he absolutely would not touch a straight man?” Wang Jue laughed so hard his back shook.
“Was that so?” Zhuang Xiao suddenly looked up at Pei Yan. “You actually made that promise?”
“Well…” Pei Yan pretended to be clueless. “What I said was that if I ever touched you, I’d drink this entire bowl of sesame paste and chopped chives.”
He was already lifting the bowl to his mouth when Zhuang Xiao pressed it down, sneering. “Just make sure there isn’t a next time. Don’t go touching anyone else.”
“Your Brother Xiao is even more handsome than we imagined,” Yuan Chao said, taking another look.
“Really? Extremely handsome, right?” Pei Yan dipped his food into the sesame sauce, a smile appearing at the corner of his lips.
“Handsome enough that I want his autograph,” Yuan Chao said.
“You need my permission before asking for an autograph,” Pei Yan declared. He instructed Zhuang Xiao, “You’re not allowed to sign for these two. Only for me.”
“Signing something for us and signing something just for you are two entirely different things,” Wang Jue said, patting a napkin on the table. “For me, he signs this piece of paper. But where would he put his signature on you?”
It was only seven in the evening, and the shameless midnight jokes had already begun.
“Where do you think he should put it?” Pei Yan snorted.
“On your little butt, of course! But then he’d discover your ass was so smooth and slippery that he couldn’t write a thing. Brother Xiao would manage the character Zhuang, then get halfway through Xiao and realize there were a fucking lot of strokes in that name. Meanwhile you’re wriggling, squirting water everywhere, splash, splash! Before he’s even finished writing Xiao, the water’s washed Zhuang away. He can never get his name written properly. He could spend all night and still not finish those two characters!” Wang Jue told the dirty joke in a low voice.
“Hahahaha!”
“Get lost… You’re the one who squirts,” Pei Yan cursed under his breath, but his face was smiling as he kept eating.
The reason he could still smile through that much teasing was that he truly was in love. That was how they loved each other in bed, and his Brother Xiao really could make him come over and over again.
Zhuang Xiao glanced at Pei Yan’s bowl. “You really like sesame paste. Want more?”
Then he turned and beckoned to a server. “Excuse me, two more bowls of sesame sauce. Plenty of scallions, chopped chive flowers, and cilantro, please.”
Under the table their knees and calves brushed together as their eyes met.
Pei Yan got distracted joking with everyone and accidentally poked his chopsticks against the table edge. One flew into the air. Zhuang Xiao moved instantly, caught it precisely before it hit the floor, and laid it back on the table.
Wang Jue’s expression said, Holy shit, that’s incredible.
Pei Yan smiled with deliberate swagger. “Thanks.”
Yuan Chao pointed at him. “Your husband can’t take his eyes off you. Look how much he loves you.”
Pei Yan was delighted. He stole a glance at Zhuang Xiao, feeling especially proud.
They chatted for ages over dinner, but when they checked the time it was only nine. Wasn’t it too early to go back to their hotel and sleep? Why not get some evening exercise?
All of them were accustomed to morning workouts or nighttime runs, so they went to the fitness-club chain where Wang Jue worked. Having an insider made it easy to book a deluxe private squash court with excellent privacy.
Before leaving the restaurant, Pei Yan had specially packed up a box of sesame flatbreads and another box of beef-stuffed pastries.
Everyone laughed at him. “You sure can eat! You could devour a whole cow!”
Pei Yan replied, “You get hungry while playing ball. Of course I need snacks.”
As Zhuang Xiao passed him, he leaned close and murmured in his ear, “Still hungry? If you are, I’ll feed you.”
Pei Yan stared at him, at a complete loss for what to say. Should he admit he was hungry, or claim he wasn’t?
What a flirt.
Nobody else could make him blush, but one teasing remark from Zhuang Xiao was enough to send heat spreading through his lower belly. He could immediately picture an entire “action movie,” remembering exactly how Zhuang Xiao had “fed” him last time.
Everyone was in high spirits. They deliberately avoided mentioning the unpleasant argument from earlier. In truth it hadn’t been resolved at all. They were simply taking things one day at a time, with no idea what would happen in the future.
They played squash at the club, alternating between one-on-one matches and mixed pairings, but Pei Yan always insisted on being on Zhuang Xiao’s team, and together they crushed the other two.
Before long his friends were so exhausted they nearly brought up their dinner. Yuan Chao bent over with his hands on his knees and Wang Jue sat on the floor gasping. They complained that this wasn’t fair. Couldn’t the two men stop combining their scores? How could anyone beat them if they cheated like this?
“What’s cheating about it? That’s just how we play,” Pei Yan said arrogantly.
“Another round?” Zhuang Xiao lightly bounced the racket in his hand.
“No more,” Yuan Chao conceded, waving. “You two go ahead. I’m resting. I’m going to eat the beef pastries!”
“You’re such brutes, and you still want to team up for that Amazing Race show? What a joke. Planning to exhaust your opponents to death?” Wang Jue was referring to the variety show Xiangjiang Satellite Television had invited the two stars to join. Yu Feng had subsequently phoned both their managers several times with persistent invitations. The appearance fee was so high that even Pei Yan was tempted. The show was scheduled for the following spring.
“Pair me with someone else? You might as well tell me to carry a pig through the competition. I’d have a useless teammate dragging me down. Too much trouble,” Pei Yan said.
“So you can only partner with your husband,” Yuan Chao replied.
“Wouldn’t that mean I’d have to carry a pig through the competition?” Zhuang Xiao added.
Young Master Pei was furious. He ran after Zhuang Xiao yelling, seized him around the waist, and tried to tickle him. Zhuang Xiao laughed and pushed him away.
“Once your son grows up, you can’t keep him at home. Off you go, off you go,” Yuan Chao said with a dismissive wave.
Then Pei Yan and Zhuang Xiao played against each other directly. In the squash court they darted back and forth, neither yielding, sometimes keeping a single rally alive for three whole minutes. It was exhausting, yet satisfyingly so, hot sweat steaming from every pore.
During one point the two moved very close together, brushing past each other at just the wrong instant. Pei Yan’s shot rebounded from the wall with tremendous force and struck Zhuang Xiao squarely between the legs with a loud bang.
“Ugh…” Zhuang Xiao grunted and bent over.
“Huh?” Pei Yan was startled himself. “Where did it hit you?”
“You okay?”
“Holy shit… Am I really that accurate?”
“How did I manage to hit you more accurately than that guy, ‘Mop’?” Pei Yan laughed. “Sorry about that.”
Zhuang Xiao looked distinctly irritated as he bent with his hands on his knees. “Don’t bother apologizing… You’re going hungry tonight.”
Pei Yan put on an ingratiating smile, wrapped his arms around Zhuang Xiao’s waist, and tried to massage the injured spot, only to be swatted away.
They exercised like maniacs until almost midnight. It was time to leave. The club was empty and very quiet; all the other customers had long since gone.
The two friends were planning to spend the night at a hotel, arranging with Mr. Pei to go out and have fun again the next day.
Pei Yan tossed them his house keys. “Why stay at a hotel? You trying to act like strangers? Stay at my place.”
Yuan Chao smiled tactfully. “We used to crash at yours, but isn’t that inconvenient now? You’re not single anymore.”
Pei Yan said, “I’m as good as single these days. We hardly ever get to spend the night together.”
They came out of the squash room bare-chested, drenched in sweat, their clothes dirty and wet. Wang Jue took several new white T-shirts, the staff uniform, from behind the counter. “Make do with these.”
Zhuang Xiao asked casually, “Where can I take a shower?”
“We’ve got showers. There’s a communal bathroom next door. Nobody’s using it now. Go ahead,” Wang Jue said.
Pei Yan glanced over, his heart stirring, warmth still gradually spreading through his abdomen.
He grabbed two clean T-shirts and followed Zhuang Xiao in, glancing back to warn his friends, “You two wash when you get home. Don’t come in!”
Yuan Chao pointed an accusing finger at him. You really have no shame.
Pei Yan also asked Wang Jue, “Nobody else here, right? No cameras? Watch the hallway and don’t let anyone in.”
Wang Jue mouthed one word: Slut.
Pei Yan muttered, “The paparazzi are watching too closely. I can’t go to his place, and he doesn’t want to come to mine…”
Wang Jue waved him on impatiently. We get it. Go, hurry up and have your fill. Squeeze your man dry!
* * *
Pei Yan slipped inside, guiltily searching in every direction for security cameras first. He didn’t see any.
The sound of the shower mixed with the soft noise of his bare feet crossing the floor. Ahead of him was Zhuang Xiao’s back in the misty water, a perfect inverted triangle above firm, long legs. Beautiful.
Zhuang Xiao turned to look at him. They kissed lightly beneath the shower, letting the water run over their faces and savoring the breathless sensation. Water poured down continuously, seeming almost hallucinatory beneath the bathroom’s warm yellow lights. Rainbow droplets shone from their eyelashes. In a playful mood, Pei Yan deliberately undid Zhuang Xiao’s braid and watched the water stream from his hair and along the contours of his face.
In that dizzy, blank-headed moment, with his resolve weakened, Pei Yan impulsively made another request, pushing his luck. Why not have dinner with my parents tomorrow?
Still lost in the afterglow, Zhuang Xiao looked briefly bewildered. “What dinner?”
“My mom and dad.”
Zhuang Xiao stared at him in astonishment. “You’ve already told them?”
Pei Yan shrugged. “Whether I said it or not, they’ve known for ages.”
“Known for ages?”
“When I was hospitalized, you came to visit and brought me food. You practically threw yourself at me and acted all sweet, right in front of my parents. Did you forget?”
Zhuang Xiao found it unbelievable. “And from that they could tell what was going on between us?”
“That’s my mother!”
“Do they approve?” Zhuang Xiao asked.
Pei Yan laughed. “How to put it? I think they both consider you about the most respectable, reliable partner I could possibly have chosen. It’s so unlike me to make such a sensible choice!”
It was supposed to be a compliment. How did it sound so awkward coming from Mr. Pei? Zhuang Xiao laughed too, though he had mixed feelings.
“Your parents really love you,” Zhuang Xiao said.
“Do you cherish me too?” Pei Yan pressed.
Zhuang Xiao sighed. “Do we really have to have this dinner…?”
Pei Yan said nothing.
He knew then that everything was happening too quickly. He hadn’t properly prepared for many of the steps along the way. He’d chased, pushed, and hurried Zhuang Xiao forward, dragging him down this road as he ran with reckless, almost frantic abandon.
It was too late to turn back now, and he didn’t want to. The only difference was that this was a relationship between two men. If he’d been in love with a woman, given his temperament he’d have taken her straight to a press conference, met the media, and announced it to the world. Or he’d have done it the fashionable way: posted a picture to Weibo, tagged her, written “Us,” and been done with it. Simple!
Then they’d have got engaged, married, and he’d have brought her home without delay. He’d never waste time worrying about whether he’d only just become famous, whether pretending to be single brought in more fans, or whether some forty-year-old actor with wrinkles and children old enough to run errands still hid his wife and kids while pretending to be available. If you genuinely loved someone, why hide it? Why not tell the people around you openly that this was your boyfriend, the person you loved?
Once Zhuang Xiao agreed to the dinner, he meant it. He took arrangements seriously and approached them with utmost propriety.
The next day, while Pei Yan was out with his two buddies, he received several calls from Mr. Zhuang. He kept asking things like, “Have you chosen the colors of your suit and tie? What should I wear to coordinate with you?” and “What do your parents like? Tell me, and I’ll get it ready.”
Pei Yan was a casual sort of person. “Clothes? Wear whatever you like! We need to coordinate? … You’re wearing a suit?”
Over the phone he could hear Zhuang Xiao rummaging through closets. “I only brought two good suits, but one has shiny satin lapels and the other’s British-style plaid. They’re both intended for formal industry events. Too flashy, not dignified enough for dinner with elders.”
“Oh, come on!” Pei Yan slapped his forehead. “My parents don’t work in fashion. They won’t care what you’re wearing as long as it’s you. Seriously, you could wear black dress shoes with white socks and have your long underwear sticking out above your waistband, and it’d still be fine!”
“Heh.” Zhuang Xiao laughed deeply into the phone. “If I show up with my long underwear hanging out, your parents will think you’ve brought home some migrant construction worker from overseas and absolutely refuse to accept me. I’m going out to buy something appropriate now.”
“Hey, you really don’t have to…” Pei Yan said, though his heart warmed. Of course Zhuang Xiao cared about him.
Zhuang Xiao kept asking what his parents liked and what hobbies they had. Eventually he decided to buy gifts from the city’s most upscale porcelain-teaware shop and leather-goods store.
Over the phone, Pei Yan murmured, “You’re being so good to me…”
“I don’t want your parents to be disappointed,” Zhuang Xiao said. “Don’t want them thinking, ‘Fuck, the kid’s done it again, found himself another unreliable good-for-nothing!’”
Pei Yan burst out laughing. “As if they would!”
“I want to make you look good,” Zhuang Xiao replied.
Pei Yan was deeply touched. “You’ve already made me look good.”
“I need to impress my future parents-in-law,” Zhuang Xiao said gravely. “Otherwise how am I going to marry you someday?”
“Listen to you! Who’s going to marry whom?”
* * *
Zhuang Xiao was smiling when he ended the call. He twirled his phone between his fingers and put it away, then opened his palm again and looked at the several white scars crossing it. He could hardly make out his original palm lines anymore. They’d changed, just as someone had once teased him: perhaps his career line and love line really had merged into one.
He even made a private decision. If being with Pei Yan necessarily came with a price, wasn’t it simply a matter of bowing his head to those people once? He could take Beautiful Colleagues. He could attend the production’s wrap party and use the opportunity to reconcile with President Zhang of Jiahuang. Being with Mr. Pei made him genuinely happy.
Pei Yan went home that evening to change clothes. Zhuang Xiao had made him so nervous that even he was acting absurdly formal. Since when did he wear a suit and tie to see his own parents?
He took a photograph of himself all dressed up and sent it to Zhuang Xiao: [This is what I’m wearing. Match it!]
Zhuang Xiao replied: [Handsome.]
Pei Yan: [Of course. Haven’t you heard my nickname, Handsome Pei?]
Zhuang Xiao: [Mr. Handsome Pei, could you send me the exact time and address?]
Pei Yan sent him the address of a residential complex and arranged to meet at six-thirty.
Zhuang Xiao called again, unusually talkative today. “Why this place?”
“Going out in public isn’t convenient,” Pei Yan replied. “We’ll eat at home. My parents have specially hired a top-class chef who makes traditional Beijing cuisine. He does private dinners and comes to the house.”
“Oh, you own a place there? I thought your parents lived in Tianjin all the time,” Zhuang Xiao said.
“No… It’s a relative’s place. We’re just borrowing it temporarily,” Pei Yan replied.
After hanging up, Pei Yan stuck out his tongue. For once he’d been less than completely honest.
He finished getting himself ready and messaged his mother, Xu Qishang: [Just say you’re borrowing the house from a relative, okay? It’s decorated way too extravagantly. Don’t tell him it’s ours.] Then he drove off. The roads were clear, and he headed straight for the destination.
Mrs. Xu called immediately. “What’s happened now? Why does it matter? Has he asked you to put his name on the property deed?”
Pei Yan could hardly decide whether to laugh or cry at his mother’s train of thought. “Nonsense! What on earth are you thinking?”
Xu Qishang answered cheerfully, “Exactly! Your father and I don’t care whose name is on the deed. Everything’s for your benefit anyway. Whatever makes you young people happy!”
“That’s not what I’m talking about! Mom, stop putting on a whole opera for me. None of that’s happening. Just make me look good when you meet him. You’d better behave too. No telling embarrassing childhood stories or saying bad things about me!”
“Of course! You can count on me,” Xu Qishang promised. “Your father and I have seen everything there is to see.”
“Hey, Little Monkey, your dad was hilarious today. Since this morning he’s been complaining that he couldn’t sleep all last night, couldn’t sleep a wink…”
“He started worrying about what to wear, what dishes to order from the chef, and spent ages on the phone changing the menu three times because he didn’t think the food was good enough…”
“Just now he was sitting at his computer looking things up. I thought he was checking stock prices or researching scripts, but guess what? He was looking up your friend’s career! Which films he’s been in, what awards he’s won, what people online say about him. He was writing everything in a little notebook…”
Pei Yan was horrified. “What is Dad planning?”
Mrs. Xu said, “He says he doesn’t want awkward silences when they meet. If he doesn’t know any of the films your friend has acted in, how will they talk? So he’s collecting information and organizing conversation topics ahead of time, so he’ll come across as a good conversationalist and make you look good, Little Monkey…”
Pei Yan was embarrassed. “You two aren’t going a bit overboard? Don’t scare him!”
His parents seemed even more anxious than he was, as eager and nervous as though this meeting meant the world to them.
After all, neither Old Mr. Pei nor Mrs. Xu had ever met one of their son’s supposed “friends” before. There was so much unsavory gossip in their industry that they’d always worried. This was the first time Pei Yan had openly acknowledged to them that he had a “friend,” meaning someone he was seeing seriously. Of course they took it seriously.
Sure enough, they were a family. All three had the same temperament: urgently impatient, practically rushing to please someone.
Pei Yan parked outside the compound, in a hutong. There were only two parking spaces inside the complex, so he left them for his parents and Zhuang Xiao.
He climbed out, swinging his hands, and suddenly realized he was the only person showing up empty-handed, without preparing a single thing, looking like a complete layabout.
He looked around and checked his phone’s map. There was a French pastry shop nearby, staffed by a pastry chef from France, the only exclusive outlet of its kind in Beijing. He didn’t want to give up the parking space he’d fought so hard to squeeze into, so he left his car where it was and sprinted down into the subway station…