“Who I am is none of your business. Sorry to interrupt your discussion about birthday plans, but would you mind leaving? I need to talk to him.” Bai Xiao Si’s tone was anything but pleasant. Guan Zhu frowned. “Mai Ding, do you know her?” Mai Ding smiled at him. “It’s fine. Your lunch break’s almost over. You should get back to work.” Guan Zhu hesitated, but when Mai Ding nodded to reassure him, he finally left. “What’s going on?” Bai Xiao Si demanded.
“I was just chatting with an old friend. When did you get here?”
“Chatting? Don’t try to fool me. What was all that you were saying just now? I’m so disappointed in you! What, have you suddenly met your destined soulmate and started having second thoughts?”
“What are you talking about? How many times do I have to say it? I was just talking to an old friend!”
“Looks more like an old flame to me.”
“Why are you and An Zi Yan both the same? Why do you always have to look at me in such a filthy way? Have Guan Zhu and I actually done anything?!” Bai Xiao Si’s words made Mai Ding angry. Was this the first time he’d ever fought with her? Bai Xiao Si, sitting opposite him and looking nothing like her usual self, frightened him. She gave a mocking laugh. “So my ex-husband and I are supposed to be saints and appreciate your pure, innocent friendship? When the two of you end up in bed together, should we stand on the sidelines and applaud?” Mai Ding clenched his fists. “That’s an awful thing to say!”
“Not nearly as lovely as what you two were saying just now. Just a few days ago, I was discussing your birthday present with my ex-husband. And what were you doing? Making eyes at another man. I really believed that no matter what happened, you and my ex-husband could never break up as easily as other couples. Turns out I’m an idiot.”
Bai Xiao Si’s relentless attack caught Mai Ding completely off guard. He was almost losing his footing. “Xiao Si, you don’t know anything! Do you have any idea what happened between An Zi Yan and me over the whole child business a while ago? I’m always frightened, always getting hurt because of him, and now we’ve fought again. I’ve almost reached the point where…” Cold water splashed across Mai Ding’s face. He stared in disbelief at Bai Xiao Si, who was holding the glass. She stood up and swore, “Don’t you fucking make excuses for your own wavering. It only makes me despise you more. I regret it so much. If I’d known you were this kind of person, why would I ever have handed my ex-husband over to you?” It was the first time Mai Ding had seen Bai Xiao Si so furiously upset. All he could do was watch her walk away.
Mai Ding wiped the water from his face in the restroom before going back to the company. He kept his head down and worked, too afraid to look at An Zi Yan. An Zi Yan didn’t come to see him for the rest of the day, either. In the past, that might have hurt him. Now, instead, it made him feel almost relieved. Was he deceiving An Zi Yan? When Mai Ding searched his heart for an answer, he found it: he really was deceiving An Zi Yan.
When they got home, neither spoke. An Zi Yan lay on the sofa. Perhaps it was guilt that made Mai Ding relent. “What would you like for dinner tonight?” he asked.
“Is that all you have to say?”
“What am I supposed to say?”
“Shouldn’t you say something about what happened at lunchtime?”
“Xiao Si told you? I don’t have the energy to explain anymore. No matter how many times I explain, you won’t believe me. I’m tired.” An Zi Yan’s lips curved, his tone as coolly indifferent as ever. “From now on, you don’t need to explain anything. Do whatever you like.” Mai Ding fell silent and glanced at An Zi Yan, who wouldn’t look at him. Then he went straight to the bedroom and lay down.
At some point he fell asleep. When he opened his eyes groggily, the first thing he saw was An Zi Yan’s back. Mai Ding lifted his hand, wanting to touch him, but couldn’t bring himself to move.
“An Zi Yan, are you asleep?” There was no reply. Mai Ding bit his lower lip and pulled the covers toward himself. Then, in the darkness, An Zi Yan’s voice sounded beautiful enough to poison a person. “Mai Ding, you can’t fall in love with somebody else. Do you understand?” Mai Ding gripped the blanket tightly. How he wanted to answer. But just as before, he did nothing and said nothing.
Mai Ding woke early the next morning, just as the sky was beginning to brighten. He climbed quietly out of bed so he wouldn’t disturb An Zi Yan. After washing up, he went to the kitchen to make breakfast, as he always did. He prepared a generous spread, then left straight for work. For once, he hadn’t woken An Zi Yan. Whether it was guilt or something else, he wanted to be good to An Zi Yan. How could he explain what was happening inside him? It wasn’t that he’d suddenly stopped loving An Zi Yan. It was just…
As soon as he entered Public Relations, Mai Ding spotted Guo Ping playing on his computer. “Shifu, has An Zi Yan said anything to you?” Guo Ping was absorbed in the screen. “About what?”
“Hasn’t he mentioned the project I’m handling?”
“No. Why?”
“Nothing.” So An Zi Yan hadn’t told Guo Ping yet. That meant the project was still his. He threw himself back into work. Partway through, Guan Zhu arrived. After they’d finished discussing business, Guan Zhu said, “You really did seem off yesterday. I was pretty worried about you.”
“There’s nothing to worry about. I’m fine.”
“Are you doing anything after work today?”
“Probably not.”
“Then let’s go have a drink to celebrate your birthday a little early. It might help you unwind.” Mai Ding studied Guan Zhu’s face, once familiar, then strange, and now familiar again. Besides being grateful to him, Mai Ding felt something else. Guan Zhu had become the one person he could confide his worries and secrets to. He didn’t want to tell Bai Xiao Si or anyone else, least of all An Zi Yan. No one but Guan Zhu seemed capable of understanding him.
“Why don’t you come to my place instead?”
“Sure. I’ll bring some drinks.”
“Mm. I’ll send you the address in a bit. Come over after work.”
Guan Zhu had barely left when Fan Shao Jun remarked sourly, “We’ve worked with you for so long, but you’ve never invited any of us to your place.” Mai Ding was still lost in thought and didn’t react. Fan Shao Jun tossed a pen at him. “I’m talking to you!”
“What did you say?”
“Forget it.” Fan Shao Jun rolled his eyes and refused to bother with him anymore.