“So you’re blaming me for breaking my promise?” Mai Ding could accept An Zi Yan blaming him. He deserved it. He had been the one who made the promise.
An Zi Yan released Mai Ding’s hand and used his index finger to wipe the wetness from the corner of his eye. “Why would I blame you? Didn’t I promise I wouldn’t make you cry again, that I wouldn’t hurt you anymore? But now you’re crying, and I’ve hurt you. I broke my promise too, didn’t I?” His gentle, exhausted voice dragged even more tears out of Mai Ding. If An Zi Yan had answered with his usual sarcasm, Mai Ding might have called his name and lightly shoved his shoulder. An Zi Yan withdrew his hand and rested it against his forehead, his eyes hidden between his fingers. He continued in a voice so faint it barely seemed real. “What am I supposed to do so I stop hurting you?”
Wasn’t this what Mai Ding had wanted to hear all along?
He should have smiled. This time, he had won. An Zi Yan had lost. An Zi Yan was the one who showed weakness first. So where was all this pain coming from? If the person he loved was hurting because of him, how could Mai Ding possibly feel happy? When An Zi Yan hurt Mai Ding without meaning to, perhaps An Zi Yan felt exactly the same way. Why had Mai Ding understood it so late? The rules that applied everywhere else did not apply to love. There was no winning or losing in love. Even the one who won might not be happy.
“An Zi Yan, I…” Mai Ding’s words stopped without warning. The edge of the sky was slowly turning pale, and his vision had become clearer. He saw a bandage beneath An Zi Yan’s open collar and reached to pull his clothes aside, but An Zi Yan stopped him.
“That is…”
“I hurt myself.” He brushed it off casually. He was lying. Mai Ding knew he was. When had An Zi Yan injured himself? But if it was not him, then who had done it? If Mai Ding knew who it was, he would beat that person properly. Who could it be? Mai Ding looked at the hand An Zi Yan had stopped, then at the wound. That same hand had once been stained with blood when Mai Ding had pushed hard against An Zi Yan’s chest. So had the wound already been there then? It could not have been caused by Mai Ding. He had only pushed him a few times. How could that make him bleed? Another memory, one Mai Ding had not cared about at the time, suddenly returned: Feng Fei Meng and Fan Shao Jun talking. Where had Feng Fei Meng put that silver letter opener? And when Mai Ding shoved all those documents toward An Zi Yan, where had the letter opener been?
It was him, wasn’t it? It had been him.
“I-I didn’t mean to. Let me see. I didn’t…”
“I told you it wasn’t you,” An Zi Yan said. His words always made people believe him easily. This time Mai Ding wanted desperately to believe him too. An Zi Yan was afraid Mai Ding would be hurt. An Zi Yan had been tormented by Grandpa’s death and Mai Ding’s leaving, and yet he was still afraid of hurting Mai Ding.
Mai Ding kept saying An Zi Yan made no sense, but who was the one who truly made no sense? What exactly had Mai Ding been trying to prove? Hadn’t An Zi Yan always, always loved him? Mai Ding put one hand on An Zi Yan’s knee and gripped it. “If you can’t control yourself, then hurt me. I’m willing to be hurt by you.”
“Stupid again.”
“It’s not stupid! I mean it…” An Zi Yan pulled Mai Ding into his arms. He looked at the strip of silver reflected on the water. His Adam’s apple moved as he spoke. “I’m sorry for saying you were annoying. But maybe I’m getting harder and harder to control. Am I supposed to make you stay beside me afraid all the time? Am I supposed to make you constantly consider my feelings, stop arguing with me, stop saying what you really feel? Mai Ding, the person I love isn’t some version of you who sacrifices himself and makes himself small for me. It never was.”
“I…”
“Let me finish. Lately I’ve been wondering whether being apart would be better for you.”
Mai Ding struggled out of An Zi Yan’s arms. “I don’t want that.”
“I already told you to let me finish. I did think about it. But what I want to tell you more, what I can only tell you, is this: call me unreasonable, call me selfish, whatever you want. I won’t let you leave no matter what. So, Mai Ding, don’t leave me, okay? Even if I hurt you.”
“That’s the least unreasonable, least selfish, most beautiful request I’ve ever heard.” Mai Ding knocked his forehead against An Zi Yan’s collarbone and clutched his clothes tightly with both hands. His tears soaked through the bandage. “You really do say stupid things.” An Zi Yan placed one hand on the back of Mai Ding’s head.
“An Zi Yan.”
“Mm?”
“Even if Grandpa hadn’t left last year, someday he still would have.” Mai Ding felt An Zi Yan’s movement stop. He knew he was being greedy. If he could help An Zi Yan let Grandpa go, then An Zi Yan could truly become An Zi Yan again. Mai Ding never wanted to see the kind of sadness that had been on his face last night a second time. He continued. “People are born, and people die. Grandpa didn’t abandon you. He was sick. He could only lie in a cold hospital being tortured by pain. You saw how much he suffered during that time. Now Grandpa is with Grandma. What’s wrong with that? I know everything I’m saying is pointless. You understand all of this better than I do.”
An Zi Yan’s voice returned to its usual coldness. “I do understand. But do you think understanding means you can actually do it?” Mai Ding sat upright and lifted his collar to wipe his face, though the tear marks remained. A smile spread across his mouth. The first light of morning spilled behind him, forming a halo around his body. His smile slowly opened beneath the sunlight, and his tear-filled eyes shone brightly. Mai Ding had always thought An Zi Yan was dazzling, but now, in An Zi Yan’s eyes, Mai Ding was just as dazzling. His voice was thick with tears when he said, “Other people might not be able to, but you’re An Zi Yan. In my eyes, you’re the most perfect person in the world. Let Grandma stay with Grandpa in that world. In this world, let me stay with you. If you can’t do it, then who’s going to take care of me?”
The morning air was damp and fresh. Wind moved gently around the two of them. An Zi Yan silently watched Mai Ding’s face, crying and smiling at the same time. He reached out, caught Mai Ding by the collar, pulled him close, and kissed him.
Was it over? Mai Ding did not think so. He still remembered how this nightmare had begun. It was as though they had reached the finish line only to return to the starting point.