For years, I had understood perfectly the eight words quit while you are ahead, know when enough is enough. Playing hard to get was the same. Press too hard, and instead of gaining anything, you only lost more.
“It’s nothing, really.” I followed his lead and changed the subject. It was merely something I had happened to bring along before leaving. I had never expected such a simple trick to work, but for some reason, the moment I saw that innocent, guileless face, I could not resist trying.
“What is this?” He accepted the paper packet, his bright black eyes sparkling with lively curiosity.
“Pastries.” Even I was startled by the almost boastful note in my voice. It was nothing more than a packet of ordinary pastries. I tipped the men and women in pleasure houses with more than this on any normal day. Considering my status, the gift sounded embarrassingly stingy.
But the words had already left my mouth and the gift was already in his hands. Taking it back was impossible. Just as I was beginning to want to slap myself, I realized there was absolutely no need. The boy stared at the pastries as though he had not eaten in eight hundred years, his eyes fixed on them the instant he opened the packet. He licked his lips as though afraid he might actually drool onto them. After watching him for a while, even I nearly began to believe I had not brought him pastries at all, but some incomparable delicacy I had never tasted myself.
Even then, he stubbornly pursed his lips, swallowed, and only belatedly remembered to look wary. “What are you plotting?”
I had plenty of plots in mind, but his reaction had already given me the answer I wanted most.
“I thought from your looks that you probably weren’t even of age yet and had gone without breakfast. My master rewarded me with quite a few good things this morning, and since we know each other, I figured I might bring some over and feed that poor empty stomach of yours. Who knew you’d be so ungrateful and treat me like some kind of monster?” Half truth and half performance, I reached toward the packet as though taking it back. “Since you don’t appreciate it, why should I keep pressing my warm face against your cold backside?”
But Ning Xuan had already gotten his hands on something delicious. There was no chance he would let go. He seized the initiative, picked up a water-chestnut cake, and tossed it straight into his mouth, praising it around the food. “Mm, delicious~”
For the first time, I discovered that watching someone eat could be such a pleasant thing. I even found myself wanting to try one. Perhaps something he had touched would somehow taste different, less cold, without all the calculations and schemes that seemed to cling to everything else.
Feng Xuanyi teasingly refers back to the previous boundary-crossing incident, which immediately flusters Ning Xuan and makes him choke on his food.
His eyes instantly went round. He was so simple and clean, almost like a sheet of blank paper, that a strange impulse rose in me to leave some trace of myself there, to see that untouched page become vivid because of me.
“Choking, are you? I told you to slow down when you eat, but of course you wouldn’t listen!” I reached out to pat his back and help him catch his breath while looking around for something that could hold water, only to watch him abruptly turn, plunge his face straight into the lake, and drink directly from it.
For the first time in my life, I truly understood what it meant to be caught between laughter and tears.
“Good?” All I had left was helplessness.
“Obviously.” He was entirely pleased with himself and, still unsatisfied, immediately set his sights on a jujube-paste walnut cake. At least he had learned his lesson this time and ate considerably more “gracefully.”
“Now you’ve learned. You really won’t shed a tear until you see the coffin.”
“Better to die full than become a starving ghost, understand?” He had plenty of excuses. No master would tolerate a servant with a tongue this sharp.
“One piece and you’re already full? You’re ridiculously easy to feed.”
“This is all your fault! Jinx! Nothing good you say ever comes true, but every bad thing does. You should go back wherever you came from!” No matter how I looked at it, I was the one losing out here, so why was he the one getting angry?
“Tsk, burning the bridge after you cross it? You haven’t even finished what I brought you. Your stomach isn’t full yet, but somehow you’ve already found enough strength to argue with me. Honestly.”
“Mm!”
“What happened?” So this time he really had bitten his tongue…
Everything about him was far too simple. There was no need to scheme, no need to deliberately guess at hidden intentions, nothing connected to power or desire. Being with him was unexpectedly comfortable.
Ning Xuan’s unguarded expression and complete lack of calculation awaken an unfamiliar protective tenderness in Feng Xuanyi.
Feng Xuanyi realizes that his growing fascination now comes from Ning Xuan’s personality rather than appearance alone.
Acting on impulse, Feng Xuanyi crosses another intimate boundary with Ning Xuan.
The moment leaves Feng Xuanyi unexpectedly warm and affected, while Ning Xuan is left stunned by the unwanted familiarity.
As expected, he glared at me furiously again, spun around, and stormed away until he disappeared completely.
Watching the direction he had gone, I laughed again. Somehow, around him there were simply too many things I could not help doing, too many moments of instinct, warmth, and indulgence.
Only much later, beneath hazy moonlight, did I realize belatedly that although I had first approached him intending to test him, little by little I had forgotten that original purpose. My suspicions had eased, and for once, my laughter had become sincere and unrestrained.
I tossed and turned. Thinking about it carefully, it had only been two days. Was I indulging him too much? Indulging myself too much? So although we had agreed to meet at the library that night, after deliberately warning myself against it, I went to Listening Lotus Residence again instead.
Naturally, I broke the appointment, reminding myself again and again that I had merely said something casually to a servant. It could hardly count as a promise. Besides, given my identity, showing up would be an honor to him, while not going was perfectly reasonable.
With An Yin in my arms, I remembered that I had once been genuinely fascinated by him. I admired his abilities, appearance, and temperament, and had indulged him greatly. So was it simply that I had grown too accustomed to wandering among flowers? No matter who it was, once enough time passed, I eventually lost interest?
Yet that night, although warmth and softness rested in my arms, I merely slept fully clothed and did nothing at all. Even Liu Xiahui reincarnated should have needed at least a little inner struggle before remaining so completely unmoved.
Elio’s Notes: Liu Xiahui is a traditional Chinese exemplar of extraordinary sexual restraint. His name became shorthand for a man who could remain perfectly proper even when placed in an intimate situation.
Perhaps I really should think about adding someone new. Ning Xuan’s face lingered in my mind again and refused to leave. Ultimately, what did it matter who stood beside me, so long as I had investigated his background? It would only be another brief fascination. Rather than leaving myself hanging like this and finding no peace, I might as well follow the impulse and enjoy it. Once enough time passed, perhaps the feeling would fade naturally. It was hardly as though this sort of fleeting interest had never happened to me before.