“He told me that if I was capable of personally killing my own child back then, why should he be forbidden from doing the same today? He asked why, when I did it, I was supposedly considering the greater good, but when he did it, he was harming others and himself…” Ignoring Feng Xuanzhen’s shock, Feng Xuanyi continued on his own. “He said that back then I never asked him a single question. I did not give him a reason, a chance to explain himself, or even the chance to plead for that child’s life. I made assumptions and resolutely decided whether the child would live or die, then left him to bear the consequences of losing that child alone. Now he only wanted me to taste the same helplessness and lack of choice he suffered then…”
Looking utterly lost, Feng Xuanyi drew back the distant gaze that still seemed trapped in his memories and let it settle on Feng Xuanzhen’s stunned face. He smiled bitterly. “I was furious at first. Furious that he would hurt himself, furious that he would drag an innocent life into this for no reason. But after hearing his questions, I could not answer a single one of them. Tell me, how was I supposed to refute him? How was I supposed to force him to let an imperial physician treat him and save the child?”
“…” Feng Xuanzhen opened and closed his mouth several times, but after standing there tongue-tied for so long, he still could not squeeze out a single sound.
“So the child is gone. I’ve lost another child. My second child with him… The first was killed by my own hand. The second died because of me… I hate him, but I hate myself even more…” Feng Xuanyi beckoned to Feng Xuanzhen, as though he thought his brother was standing too far away and wanted him closer, where he could see him more clearly.
“You are my only younger brother, the only person who can still speak honestly to me.” His words carried a trace of pleading that even he seemed unaware of. “Tell me, was I wrong? Was I wrong from the very beginning? If, from the start, I had loved him with the resolve to stake everything on it, tolerating anything, even betrayal… Or if, once I chose to be ruthless, I had never turned back and never fallen in love…”
He slumped over the desk and struggled to prop up his head, turning his face to the side as he murmured helplessly to himself. “For the first time, I feel as though Heaven played a joke on me. Not even a particularly grand joke, yet one that damned me beyond redemption. And I cannot blame anyone. I cannot resent anyone. In the end, all I can say is that I spun the cocoon that trapped me!”
“Heh…” Feng Xuanyi looked at Feng Xuanzhen, his eyes unnaturally bright. For an instant, Feng Xuanzhen had the absurd impression that if there were only a little more brightness there, or if Imperial Brother merely blinked, something that should have had nothing to do with him would spill from his eyes. Feng Xuanyi was clearly looking at Feng Xuanzhen, yet his gaze seemed unfocused. It sounded as though he was speaking to him, yet also as though he were only talking to himself. “Do you know? I had so many chances to walk away. If I had only been a little more ruthless, a little more decisive, or simply had him convicted and executed with the rest of the Nalan family back then… But every single time, I failed to do it. Every time, I stopped just short. At the last moment, my hand softened… Hahaha…”
How could Feng Xuanzhen still remember Mo Yan’s request that he persuade Imperial Brother to eat dinner? How could he even think of offering comfort or advice? Staying inside the hall for one moment longer felt as though it would suffocate him. He practically fled, rushing through the doors in disgraceful retreat and sending every last rule of etiquette straight to hell. Only after he had burst outside and slammed the door shut behind him did he lean against it, gasping as though he had finally escaped.
“Your Highness…” Seeing Feng Xuanzhen emerge, Mo Yan hurried over. He anxiously peered through the crack in the doors for a long while before reluctantly drawing back his gaze. “His Majesty…”
“Imperial Brother is not going to eat dinner.” Feng Xuanzhen’s brows twisted tightly together. “Tell the Imperial Medical Bureau to stay alert tonight. Add more physicians to the night rotation in case anything happens.” Remembering what Imperial Brother had just said, Feng Xuanzhen no longer cared to sort out who had been right or wrong. He was simply furious. Through clenched teeth, he asked, “The empress is at Fengyi Palace, isn’t he?”
Without waiting for Mo Yan to answer, he turned to leave.
“N-no! Your Highness, wait!” Mo Yan froze and hurried after him to explain. “Because… because of a small issue…” Thinking of the door Feng Xuanyi had kicked to pieces at noon, Mo Yan secretly broke into a sweat and could only gloss over it awkwardly. “Fengyi Palace needs some minor repairs, so His Majesty ordered the empress to sleep at Yuliu Palace tonight. He also decreed that until Fengyi Palace is repaired, the empress is to remain at Yuliu Palace and live together with His Majesty…”
The emperor himself clearly did not mind having another person intrude upon his own residence, yet as Mo Yan watched Prince Yu’s face grow darker and darker, his voice became increasingly uncertain.
“Remove one of the braziers from the Imperial Study. Yes, the weather is cold, but the room is so hot that when Imperial Brother steps outside, the sudden cold wind will make him ill instead. You’ve served at his side for all these years. Don’t you know to pay attention to something like that yourself?!”
Feng Xuanzhen was famous for his good temper. Perhaps because his birth mother had died early, although his status was noble, among the imperial princes he had still grown up somewhat dependent on others. He had therefore never truly lost his temper with anyone, much less spoken harshly. Yet now this famously mild-tempered prince was standing outside the Imperial Study shouting furiously at Mo Yan.
Mo Yan fought the urge to wipe the cold sweat from his forehead, wondering what cursed day this was that had managed to drive three of the most formidable masters in both the inner palace and the court into a rage.
“Replying to Your Highness, His Majesty personally ordered it. He said the room was cold and told this servant to keep the braziers burning hotter.”
Feng Xuanzhen fell silent at once, understanding completely. It isn’t the room that’s cold. I’m afraid his heart is even colder…
When Nalan Xuan woke from a nap, he found a carrier pigeon quietly perched by the window. There was nothing tied to its leg. It looked as though it had merely happened to pass by, but Nalan Xuan knew Feng Xuanzhe was waiting for his reply. Raising pigeons himself would attract too much attention, while using palace pigeons would make their destinations easy to trace. So, to exchange information, Feng Xuanzhe had this pigeon remain in the palace for two hours every day whether there was a message or not.
Seeing everyone in the room looking frightened and cautious, Nalan Xuan wore an unreadable half-smile and idly moved from the inner bedchamber to the outer room. He sprawled across the chaise longue beside the bed, tapping the window frame now and then as he admired the afterglow of sunset and the imperial city washed in a faint layer of gold.
When he remembered everything that had happened at noon, his expression froze. His free right hand drifted unconsciously to his lower abdomen. No life would ever rest there again. I would never again hear a second heartbeat overlapping my own… A life I killed with my own hands…
He rose abruptly. Xiao Jiu, who had been standing nearby, jumped in surprise. After a brief hesitation, he moved to follow, only for Nalan Xuan to wave him back.
Nalan Xuan went around the screen and stopped before the table. He ground the ink himself, casually picked up a wolf-hair brush from the rack, and dotted black ink across the snow-white paper as he wrote. Then he retraced his steps to the bed, deftly caught the unsuspecting pigeon, rolled the paper into a small tube, and tied it to the bird’s leg. Reaching his hand out the window, he gave a light shake of his arm. The pigeon spread its wings and flew over the high palace walls.
Almost at the same moment, a palace attendant who had been fortunate enough to miss the events at noon came in grinning and boldly delivered an imperial summons to Nalan Xuan. “His Majesty summons Her Majesty the Empress to attend him at Yuliu Palace tonight. Her Majesty is asked to make preparations early.”