“That isn’t what happened! Imperial Noble Lord has misunderstood His Majesty. His Majesty never intended to harm Imperial Noble Lord!” At those words, Xuan Guang’s normally coffin-like expression finally shattered. He looked up at Nalan Xuan for the first time, his face filled with alarm and anxiety. Unfortunately, what Xuan Guang chose to say was his own affair; what Nalan Xuan chose to believe was entirely Nalan Xuan’s, and no one else had the power to decide it for him.
“Then what did His Majesty send you here for today? Did he decide I failed to die according to his wishes, so he sent you back to finish the job with a few more stabs?” Nalan Xuan paid no attention whatsoever to Xuan Guang’s attempts to explain and continued speaking on his own.
“His Majesty only—” Xuan Guang stopped himself before finishing.
“His thoughts have nothing to do with me. I simply don’t understand. If he wanted me dead, one imperial decree would have been enough. Why drag so many innocent people into it? Duke Meng’s family, Marquis Dingbei’s family—so many people, so many affairs, so many important ministers of the court, so many lives. Yet he killed them whenever he pleased!” Nalan Xuan gave a helpless sigh and laughed bitterly. “Enough. Get up. I know perfectly well what my status is and what yours is. How would I dare trouble my lord by making you kneel before me all this time? As though I don’t already have enough excuses for someone to condemn me. Go back where you came from.”
With that, Nalan Xuan turned and walked away without looking back. No matter how anxious Xuan Guang became behind him, he did not dare make any excessive move and could only pace helplessly where he stood.
Ever since Feng Xuanyi had effectively moved the imperial study into Moon-Embracing Palace, Nalan Xuan rarely approached the main hall. His daily life had shifted instead to the rear hall and his bedchamber. When he had nothing to do, he wandered through the gardens or sat in the pavilion beside Moon Lake and played on the swing. Unless someone came specifically to fetch him, he never noticed the time enough to remember to return on his own. Once, Feng Xuanyi had finished his work only to discover Nalan Xuan missing and created such an uproar that an entire hall of servants nearly fainted from fright while everyone scattered to search for him, practically ready to turn the whole palace upside down. Fortunately, nothing had happened, and everyone’s hearts had finally returned to their proper places.
So when Nalan Xuan returned to his quarters by himself at this hour, he nearly frightened Xiao Dezi out of his wits. Xiao Dezi was in the middle of tidying the bedding when he turned around, still clutching one corner of the quilt, and stared with blinking eyes as though he could not believe the person who had returned was truly Nalan Xuan—and that his master had actually come back of his own accord without needing to be urged three times and invited four.
“What’s wrong, Master? Didn’t you go to bring His Majesty tea and pastries? Why did you come back alone?” Xiao Dezi had originally intended to tease him with something along the lines of, “His Majesty wishes he could cling to Master every moment of the day, so how could he possibly let you return so quickly after you personally brought him refreshments?” But one look at Nalan Xuan’s ice-cold profile made him swallow every overly familiar joke back down. Xiao Dezi’s uncannily reliable sixth sense told him something was very wrong, and even the playful smile with which he had approached dimmed considerably.
“Yes… Tea and pastries…” At the words, Nalan Xuan lowered his head and looked at the teapot in his hands, long since gone cold, and the pastries that had once been arranged beautifully but had now been shaken into a complete mess. Only then did he belatedly remember what he had originally intended to do, and he suddenly found himself utterly contemptible. I said I wouldn’t take him seriously anymore. I said I wouldn’t give him my heart, wouldn’t trust him. I said I would stay vigilant, guard myself at every moment, and never again be deceived by his sweet words. And what did any of that amount to? Nothing but a fool’s fantasy! That man had painstakingly plotted to kill him, while Nalan Xuan had stupidly gone running over to bring him tea and pastries and worry whether he was hungry or cold. This was not innocence. It was not noble forgiveness. It was sheer idiocy. I deserve to be deceived completely and then turn around and help the person who sold me count the money!
“Yes, that’s right. I went to bring him tea and pastries!” With a crash, Nalan Xuan hurled the dishes and teapot onto the floor. As though even that were not enough to vent his anger, he stepped forward and seemed ready to grind the already shattered pieces beneath his feet.
Xiao Dezi saw what he intended and nearly threw himself at him. He dragged Nalan Xuan backward, then dropped to his knees and pleaded desperately, “Master, you absolutely mustn’t! Those porcelain shards are terribly sharp. What if you hurt yourself? Even if Master won’t think of your own health, you must at least take care of yourself for the little prince!”
Nalan Xuan had always been gentle and composed and had almost never shown anger toward anyone. His sudden outburst terrified every palace servant in Moon-Embracing Palace. No one cared about whatever task they had been doing. One after another they dropped to their knees like a row of falling dominoes, heads lowered, silent as though they themselves had committed some terrible offense and were waiting to be punished.
Xiao Dezi’s words did restore a little reason to Nalan Xuan through the fury, and he made no further reckless move. Yet the blazing hatred and rage surging in his chest seemed powerful enough to burn everything in the world to ash. It scorched what remained of his already fraying reason. His chest rose and fell violently, and even his body trembled uncontrollably with anger.
Xiao Dezi wanted to support him but did not dare move. He could only watch as Nalan Xuan swayed like a kite buffeted by wind, looking as though he might collapse at any moment.
Nalan Xuan had endured countless deceptions and had seen his rights stripped away from him again and again, yet at most those things had brought a brief burst of anger followed by long, quiet desolation. Never before had he felt hatred this intense. He hated himself for knowingly repeating the same mistake. He hated himself for being blind. He hated that he could control his body and control his mouth, yet could not control his heart. Again and again he had warned himself of Feng Xuanyi’s coldness and fickleness. Again and again he had personally experienced joy and despair caused entirely by that man. He had clearly decided to forget him, clearly decided not to love him, yet he always moved closer without meaning to. He knew perfectly well that it was like a moth flying into flame, yet he continually gave Feng Xuanyi another chance, telling himself, This is the last time. This time he’ll be different. But every final time was followed by another final time, one after another, until Feng Xuanyi had grown accustomed to summoning him when wanted and dismissing him when finished, while Nalan Xuan had grown accustomed to enduring and asking for almost nothing.
And what had all that humility and compromise earned him? Ruthless attempts to erase him and insincere displays of affection. Truly, tenderness was a knife, every stroke cutting toward one’s life. One moment, a man could whisper sweet words, hold you tenderly, make promises of true love, and share the closest intimacy with you; the next, he could lift a gleaming sword and drive it down without hesitation.
“What are all of you kneeling for? Who told you to kneel?” Looking at the palace servants crouched cautiously on the floor, frightened into silence, Nalan Xuan suddenly saw himself before Feng Xuanyi—humble, yielding, and stripped of dignity. The anger he had only just forced down erupted again. “All of you, get up!”
At the order, everyone rose fearfully but still hardly dared breathe. Of all of them, only Xiao Dezi could still speak freely enough before Nalan Xuan. The others immediately cast pleading looks toward him. Xiao Dezi felt their gazes prickling against his back, but he had no choice except to steel himself and step forward. Even if he did not do it for the others, he himself was one of the people standing there trembling.
“Master… are you angry with His Majesty?” Xiao Dezi asked cautiously with an ingratiating smile. Though phrased as a question, his tone made it clear he considered the answer obvious. After thinking it over, he could imagine nothing else capable of making his normally even-tempered master this furious.