“What do I intend to do?” Ning Xuan looked amused. “What can I do… Even I don’t understand what I’m supposed to do… It’s you people—what exactly do you want me to do? Just tell me. I’ll do as you say.”
Against the firelight, Feng Xuanzhen unexpectedly noticed a thoroughly childish dimple on the profile he saw every day.
“Do you know? I don’t actually belong here. Hic—I come from a place very, very far away from here.” Ning Xuan waved a finger, his face filled with impatience at the trouble of explaining. “Anyway, even if I told you, you wouldn’t understand.”
“When I first arrived, nothing was familiar to me. I couldn’t do anything, and I didn’t know anything. You princes and nobles who were born superior to everyone else could never understand what it feels like to leave your homeland behind, only to suffer the contempt and oppression of the entire world.” Abruptly, Ning Xuan placed both hands on Feng Xuanzhen’s shoulders and gave them a forceful slap, completely ignoring his already stunned expression. There were many things Ning Xuan wanted to forget, many things he did not wish to face, and many things he could not understand even if he racked his brain. That was why alcohol became especially important at moments like this. “Heh… I don’t even have anyone I can talk to. I don’t have a single friend. Do you understand what that feels like? Can you comprehend that helplessness and loneliness?”
“Ah, I forgot. How could you understand? How could you possibly know? For people like us, born lowly and occupying the lowest positions, the word ‘friend’ is far too extravagant and dazzling. We aren’t worthy of possessing it. Yet for Heaven’s favored sons like you noble young masters, it is something you dismiss without a second thought. You look down on such things because from the very beginning, you willingly gave them all up. You gather for profit and separate for profit. To you, a friend is merely a path leading toward the pinnacle of power. It doesn’t matter who they are, so long as they can help you move one step closer to your goal. Anything will do. As for loneliness—heh—perhaps you long ago learned to console and mourn yourselves with phrases like ‘a solitary ruler’ and ‘the heights are unbearably cold.’ So you grew accustomed to it and stopped caring?”
“How strange. I can offend you this much, yet not only do you remain unangered, you don’t even make a sound. It seems alcohol truly is a wonderful thing. Drinking too much not only lets me successfully stop thinking about those irritating matters, but it can even make someone as arrogant and unruly as you sit here obediently and listen. That really isn’t easy.”
As he spoke, Ning Xuan committed an act that could practically be called treasonous. He reached out and ruffled Feng Xuanzhen’s hair with the same gesture and gaze one might use to pet an animal, a bitter smile on his face.
“You’re his younger brother. You grew up together. Can you see through his mind? Do you know what he’s thinking?”
“Do you know? I could see him every day at morning court. So carefree, so unrestrained, treating everything as a game as though nothing in the world were worthy of entering his eyes. Yet somehow, I knew what he was thinking. At first, that made me happy. It felt as though I had moved one step closer to him. But now, I’m afraid, because the closer I draw and the more I understand, the more I realize that your Fifth Brother is someone incapable of love—or perhaps the only person he loves is himself.”
Feng Xuanzhen opened his mouth, but something seemed lodged in his throat, preventing him from making a sound. His gaze instinctively shifted to the side before eventually returning to Ning Xuan, who had long since sunk into his own world.
Another cup of liquor went down. The flush on Ning Xuan’s cheeks deepened, while his intoxicated eyes grew even clearer. Moonlight reflected within them, so bright and dazzling.
“I’ve never dared ask myself, nor have I dared ask him. I’m afraid it would become real. I cling to his promise. Because he said he loved me, I had no choice except to believe him…” Ning Xuan suddenly raised his hand, his index finger stopping only a fraction from Feng Xuanzhen’s nose. “You ask where I stand. You ask how I intend to conduct myself. Heh, how amusing. Do I have a choice? Am I allowed to choose…?”
Like a kite whose string had snapped, Ning Xuan’s body suddenly went limp. Feng Xuanzhen swiftly reached out to catch him, but he was not as fast as the figure that flashed past in an instant.
The soft fur was unlike the cold hardness of armor, yet it carried not the slightest warmth. Snowflakes clung to the ends of the fur trim and froze into tiny crystals. Displeased by the chill striking his face, Ning Xuan pouted as though grumbling about something. Blinking his hazy, drunken eyes, he stared fixedly at the half-jar of Nü’er Hong resting on the ground and unwillingly stretched out a hand toward it.
“Fifth Brother…” Feng Xuanzhen called softly.
Feng Xuanyi tightened his arms around Ning Xuan, restraining his restless squirming. “Go back first. I’m here. And don’t allow anyone near Ning Xuan’s command tent. Don’t let anyone know I came here.”
After one final glance at the utterly oblivious Ning Xuan in Feng Xuanyi’s arms, Feng Xuanzhen left without another word. He dismissed all the soldiers standing guard so Feng Xuanyi could come and go freely. He knew there was no need to worry about their safety. The people beside Fifth Brother would undoubtedly keep them secure.
“Ning Xuan, do you know who I am?” Feng Xuanyi held him in his arms and cupped Ning Xuan’s cheeks with both hands, preventing him from escaping and forcing him to meet his gaze without looking away.
Ning Xuan first froze, his watery eyes gleaming brightly. In disbelief, he reached out and pinched Feng Xuanyi’s cheek. Feng Xuanyi did not stop him. “So getting drunk comes with benefits like this. It feels so real.”
Feng Xuanyi did not know whether to laugh or cry, but he did not expose the truth. A gentle kiss descended upon Ning Xuan’s lips, soft as velvet. It lingered and rubbed against them without the slightest domineering force.
Ever since Ning Xuan left Prince Rong’s Manor, he had never dreamed of Feng Xuanyi. People said that what one thought about during the day appeared in one’s dreams at night, so he never allowed himself to think of him. It was not because there were no sweet fragments of the past worth remembering or longing for, but because Ning Xuan feared even his final beautiful dream would become a nightmare. He could not control himself from wondering who might now be beside Feng Xuanyi, who might be nestled against him and keeping him company, and with whom he might be laughing and flirting. Feng Xuanyi might call it merely playing along, say it was for the sake of forgetting, or claim that the other person was only a substitute—but how could Ning Xuan know who was substituting for whom, or who had truly been forgotten in some distant corner?
Though neither spoke of it, both understood perfectly well. Whatever the reason, that night would forever remain their nightmare, a past too unbearable to revisit. Whenever Ning Xuan remembered that snowy, windswept night, every beautiful moment they had once shared became questionable. It was not because he was overly suspicious, but because he genuinely could not find any definite reason or motive.
Two streams of clear tears fell uncontrollably. Flying snow brushed against the glistening droplets, while circles of warm white mist accompanied Ning Xuan’s sigh. “How strange. I thought I didn’t have to think about you. Why are you in my dream…?”
That single sentence made Feng Xuanyi’s gaze tremble. The wave that surged through him in that instant seemed to sweep away all reason, and only after a long time did he manage to calm himself.
On the night before their departure, Ning Xuan slept very peacefully. Perhaps it was because he had been drinking, but his entire body felt warm, as though something heated surrounded him. Something tirelessly stroked his heavy, aching forehead again and again, as though each gentle touch could wipe away every one of his troubles.
He dreamed of nothing throughout the night—or perhaps this itself was a dream too distant ever to reach. Ning Xuan wished he would never awaken from it, for the sake of this gentleness, this relief, and this precious, careful protection…
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